Germany sucks in the winter.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH! DID YOU KNOW CHRISTMAS IS LIKE 24 DAYS AWAY?!?!?! Let me repeat that, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

The good thing is that -most- of my Christmas cards are done. They haven't been sent out yet, but gosh darn it they're done! Dennis' Christmas box is almost complete minus all the fudge I made tonight. And the same goes for the single soldier that I'm "sponsoring." And maybe a few odds and ends but honestly, I've already spent about $50 on each so can't I just call it a day and not send them any more crap until next month?

Haha, oh yeah, I don't think I'll be buying Dennis a Christmas present this year. He called today and told me he spent about $500 on a tv, xbox, and two video games. I about died. That's kind of a lot of money to just go out and spend without saying a word. But I really can't say much since I spent more than I'm willing to admit on Black Friday... Yikes... Tis the season to spend spend spend! (and I'm still not done Christmas shopping! Booooo.)

The good news? I will hopefully be getting on a plane on Monday! Hopefully because it's a military flight (a.k.a. free) and EVERYONE wants to go home for the holidays. Or somewhere other than Germany. Because while Germany is gorgeous in the winter time with all the snow and what not. Not so much fun to drive in, shovel, or be outside in general for very long. I mean, yuuuck! I've heard from several people that this is supposed to be the coldest winter Germany has had in the past 100 years! The past few days we've been in the 20s. And the high for tomorrow? 29. TWENTY FRICKEN NINE! The low? 19. I want to die.

Let me just say that I'll be very excited to be somewhere where I'm not worried about dying every time I have to drive somewhere. Some place where I don't have to worry about 20 degree weather. Somewhere if, by some miracle, I do get snowed in, I won't be alone. Ahhh North Carolina here I come!

I'm kicking myself.

These past few days have been really rough on me. Well, the past week really. I'm ate up with jealousy and I'm having a hard time sleeping and my heart feels heavy and I have no appetite. Saturday and Sunday were by far the worst days of this deployment. It's hard to be in an argument with a loved one when they are so far away. Especially when there is limited communication.

Well, I don't really have any sort of solution for anyone on what to do in these sort of situations. I really don't want to put my business out there so finding someone to talk to about it other than your other half is really hard. I've talked more about what's going on with three of my friends here and every single one of them has gone through the same things we're going through now. Sometimes you just need to talk.

I talked to Dennis about everything that was bothering me yesterday. Waiting for a phone call that you're not sure if you'll even receive sucks. You don't want to sit at home but you don't want to leave just in case they do call. And when they do call, what do you say?

I know marriage isn't a forever kind of thing. I know that things change. I also know that there are boundaries that should never ever be crossed and both parties need to know the extent of those boundaries. Marriage is as complicated as you make it. And choose your words wisely.

I almost wish that we could go back to the old days where people were matched to benefit the family. That would make things a million times easier. But now people want to have freedom of everything so they want to marry out of love and because, well damn it, because they want to!

Marriage makes you realize that you can't just run away when you want to. You have to face your problems when they arise.

What do you think about marriage now versus marriage, lets say, 50 years ago?


Come with me, let me walk you through the life I currently live in.
Not a thing is forgotten, not a thing is forgiven.
Nobody can hold their own underneath the weight but, nobody can take the blame of their own mistakes.
So what do you do when somebody lets you down?
And you want to say something but you can't because they're not around?
Inside you think they know the extent of the pain.
But they won't even admit that they were the one to blame.
Can somebody please just explain to me what happened to the way that we said we'd always be.
Because I don't know why I push through the pain that I got through. And I'm loosing hope.

One year ago.

One year ago today... Dennis' grandmother had flown in from St. Louis and we were all relaxing waiting because Camden was due in 1 week and 1 day. I had all prepared her bedroom and clothes and had everything that I could possibly need for her arrival. Our bags were packed, grandma was here, and life was good. Dennis was supposed to go to safety day the next day in Manneheim and he was aloud to drive himself (they usually have to take the bus). But considering I only had a week left, he needed to be able to leave if something where to happen.

Something happened at 3 am on a Friday almost a year ago today. My water broke. And so the journey began. Our life would be forever changed after that day. I am so greatful for everything that I have. I have a beautiful little girl and a wonderful husband and I'm surrounded by love.

The only thing that could possibly make tomorrow perfect is if Dennis was able to share it.

I can't believe it's already been a year!

Camden, Camden, Camden.

I find it hilarious that every time I tell Camden "no" she usually brings me whatever she is getting into. I now have a stack of DVDs on my desk.

Camden will be 1 in less than a week! I'm so thrilled that this day is coming. I'm also nervous. I have been planning this day for the past 3 months. It's almost exciting as the day she was born. I plan on finally watching the birthing video. I haven't watched it because I'm scared of it, honestly! It's only sound though because my friend that was there was behind the curtain. Poor thing doesn't have any kids and probably won't now... Lol.

Last night was a bad night for us. Camden woke up 3 different times and I lost about 2 1/2 hours of sleep. She was screaming bloody murder for awhile and I tried rocking her back to sleep but that was no help. Since we are in the weaning process, I can't give her what I don't have. It's all very frustrating. I hope we have less nights like this because I feel as if I could fall asleep just about anywhere.

Well, we are off to get ready to do some shopping! We must get the last things for the big day!!!

My sensible heart

Every little thing I do, I do for you.

With every little thing, I think a thought of you.

And I try so hard not to notice,

I try so hard not to care,

I try so hard not to know you're not here.

But I'm counting down the hours,

I'm counting down the days,

I try so hard not to show this side of me.

Jealous of the way they walk, the way they talk

'Cause I don't think they know just what they got.

I'm jealous of the way they look, the way they are.

When I just want to be the way we were.

And I try so hard not to notice,

I try so hard not to care,

I try so hard not to know that you're not here

But I'm counting down the hours,

I'm counting down the days,

I try so hard not to show this side of me.

Well I try so hard not to notice,

I try so hard not to care,

I try so hard not to know that you're not here.

But I'm counting down the hours,

I'm counting down the days,

I try so hard not to show this side of me.

This side of me

The Piano Song; Meiko

You're a dandelion seed that flies through the air.

Today is a much better day than the last time I posted. I'm in week 3 of P90X and I'll tell you what- I'm starting to notice a difference. In my legs, my stomach, my arms. But especially my stomach. As I've already said, I'm not trying to loose weight, just tone. I'm already under my pre-prego weight. I thank nursing for that.

Speaking of nursing- we're almost completely weened! While I aboslutely LOVE nursing and suggest for every mother to try it because it's just that amazing- I'm kinda ready to be done. I love Camden and I love nursing it's just that I think we would love each other much more if we weren't doing it anymore. It also becomes pretty awkward when your child tries to assume position and lift your shirt... I have a very strict rule on parenting- when your child assumes position it's time to stop. That goes for nursing and potty training.

We have surpassed the 1 month mark and we have survived! I must admit that it is nice to watch whatever I want whenever I want to. Not having to share the bathroom is always a plus. Oh and sharing the bed is completely OUT the window, I'm a firm beleiver of sleeping in the middle of the bed, I don't even share with Roxy. Or Camden. I can do whatever I like whenever I like to. And I can eat whatever I want. And if that means I want to eat a whole bag of reeses in 2 days, well damn it, I'll do it! I'm trying to not think about how lonely it is to go to bed without saying "I love you, goodnight" to the person that I love with all my heart. I guess that's why I put off going to bed...

I still haven't got the car fixed. And I haven't enrolled in college yet. I'm a slacker. Tomorrow I'm treating myself to a haircut. Then Tuesday I have to take Roxy to a friend's house to see if she'll work well with her kids so that I can go home. I have found someone to take Roxy for the whole month I'll be gone even if that means that I need 2 people to do it. Yesssss! I guess Wednesday I'll have to do everything else that I've been putting off...

Oh another thing- I don't have to do everything in one day. I can space out 5 tasks in 5 days. And I love it.

We're getting ready for Camden's big first birthday. We have less than 2 weeks to go. I can't tell you how excited and nervous I am! She is such a smart child. She calls me momma, sees pictures of Dennis and says dada. She says dog. And I swear the other day she said "Hi Laura" to my close friend. She's running and playing and interacting and it's great. Oh and we love to shop. I think she loves it because everyone pays attention to her.

And something that I find very special is lunch after nap time. Today we ate lunch together at the table. I ate my sandwich and cheetos and drank my coke (I know... soooo healthy... whatever!) and she sat next to me eating chicken sticks and bananas and drinking her juice. We kept giggling at each other. She would point at something and say "that" and I would tell her what "that" was. Trees, daddy, Roxy, mommy, table, sandwich, couch, etc. Lunch time is my favorite time. Besides just after bathtime when we chase each other around the house. Or when she brings me a book and we read "Goodnight Moon." Did I mention how much I love being a mom?

For those of you that do wonder- Dennis is doing fine. He says it's hot there. He works and sleeps and that's basically it. I don't get to talk to him much anymore because of his job and the nature of it. The more he has to work the more worried I become. Not exactly for HIM but for the other guys that are there. You see, you have to have someone to bring our boys home... He's one of those guys. And my heart absolutely swells when I hear stories. Or I see someone at the hospital that I've seen in their pictures over there. I just want to walk up to them and give them a big hug. Because I know the last person they saw over there was probably Dennis. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it... I know this might not make sense to many people... I guess I just need to get it out.

It's cold and nasty in Germany. Not much fun for any of us really. Poor Roxy is tired of being kept cooped up in the house. But I honestly don't know what else to do for her because it's too cold and wet to take her out back and throw the ball. I won't be surprised if it snows soon. Yuck.

I'll be going home for the holidays. Or that's what it looks like right now. I'm excited.

More to come at a later time...

I love you- today just sucks.

The life of a military wife sucks. Plain and simple. But I'm honestly not sure what I would do if I married a man that had a 9 to 5 job. I would probably go insane. Dennis has been gone almost a month. What can possibly happen in a month? A lot of things. Camden learned to run, has 2 more teeth and getting 2 more (which brings the total to 8!), has been almost completely weened, knows "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands", "How big is Camden", Ring-around-the-rosy, and several other things that I'm sure I'm forgetting.

What else could possibly happen in 1 month? Well a ground could go out in your car making the lights on the inside not turn on including your tail lights. But of course not the break lights or the blinkers or the flashers. No, just the other important ones. You know, the ones that make you visible to people behind you in the dark?

What else could possibly happen in 1 month? Well only a handful of emails, conversations, and phone calls of course. I could probably count on 1 hand how many phone calls I've recieved that have been longer than the great 5 minutes. But that must be far better than hand written letters, right?

What else could happen in 1 month? Well, countless sleepless nights, a few new decorations, shopping therapy, and good friends. Also the poisoness friends have been removed and a few others that are just looking for an easy hookup. Yes, I said it- easy hookup. Because we all know that military wives are like single wives (or mothers... depending on the job, and sorry guys but "mother" does come before "wife"). Those "friends" have also been removed because they are just as poisoness as the Debby Downers.

You might sit back and think "wow she sounds kind of bitter." Why yes, yes in fact I am bitter. I'm bitter because I'm tired of having to play nice with people I don't like. I'm bitter because I just want my hands to be warmed by my husband. I'm bitter because I wouldn't mind someone sleeping next to me that isn't covered in fur. Thank you very much. I also wouldn't mind being around the people that I love most and who I can't be around for very long because Germany is in fact my home now. If he was home, I wouldn't have to see another soul.

If I had known that growing up was going to suck this much I probably wouldn't have grown up. If I had known that I would have to single handedly take on the financial world without consulting with someone that probably has a better view on things (and is the main bread winner...) then I wouldn't have grown up. Almost 2 years of marriage doesn't make it easier to make decisions on money. If I had known that I would have to raise a child and take care of a dog, OH AND myself (please lets not forget to brush your hair and your teeth...) then I probably wouldn't have grown up. If I had known that I would have to figure out if the problem with the car was caused by a fuse or just a burnt out light- but oh wait it's a far worse problem than that! Then I probably wouldn't have grown up. If I had known that I would have to make arrangements for the dog, the car, the truck, the kid, MYSELF, the house, the money, oh and basically anything else that you could possibly think of- I PROBABLY wouldn't have grown up. This includes all of the following holidays to include Halloween, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, Easter, and any other fricken holiday that you could possibly throw in there. And making sure that you start traditions that you can keep up with in the following years because now you have a child and traditions are important for families... Yeah I probably wouldn't have grown up.

I really wouldn't mind banging my head against the wall right about now. Fort Minor's song "Where'd You Go" comes to mind when I'm thinking about all of these things. With good reason of course...

You could not imagine how hard it is to act like everything is ok when it, in deed, is not all ok. I love you and I miss you- today just sucks.

Oh and a few days ago I was looking at property in Kill Devil Hills and Hatteris. I found the perfect little house ever with a view of the beach. Ahhhhhh....

We're just going in circles

I can't believe how crazy today has been! I had to do all of my job stuff and do a bunch of paperwork. It basically consisted of standing in long lines just to do something that took literally 5 minutes. 6 lines and I was there from 9:30-1. Ridiculous.

And the worst part? I don't think I can take the job. Because I would have to wean Camden in a little over a week. And this kid is determined to nurse until she's 2. She used to take a bottle up until about 3 months which was when we got home from St. Louis the first time. Then after that I was more comfortable with nursing in public which means I never brought a bottle. That was a huge mistake. I tried to give her a small bottle today and she was literally screaming for 20 minutes almost making herself sick.

So, when we go on leave we'll be weaning. Because if we don't wean now, I don't think we'll ever get it done before Dennis gets home. And by that time Camden will be 18 months. While I'm all for extended breast feeding, I think I would love Camden more if I could get a few hours to myself.

I'm a believer in karma and if it's supposed to happen it will. Well with that being said, I know I got this job and it kind of just fell into my lap so I'm sure that I'll find another job when the time is right. The time just isn't right for now. Plus I'm trying to get back into college and I know I wouldn't have been able to juggle everything. College > job.

I need to find God or something.

I'm having a hard time right now trying to breathe throw what's going to happen in the next year. I know I shouldn't worry about it and just to take it one day at a time but it's reaaaaaallllllly hard looking at it that way. I just want to scream and throw a fit but I know that's not going to help me with anything.

I'm frustrated with my family. My family back home in the states that is. Mostly because I believe everyone deserves happiness and if that means that people need to seperate to find that happiness- please, by all means, DO IT. But at the same time, I'm having a hard time accepting some of the things that are happening. As most of you know, my parents are divorced. A recent divorce. Which means everyone around them somehow, somewhere, has hurt feelings about this. Mostly it's close relatives or my siblings.

Up until recently I have been utterly ecstatic for my parents. In my opinion, this probably should have happened 10 years ago. It's not my story to tell so I won't go into details. Well, like I was saying, none of this bothered me until recently. And it probably bothers me so much now because I'm already stressed out with things going on here that all I needed to send me over the edge was family drama back home. And it's not even drama! I wanted my parents to find happiness. And my dad has. My mom is still struggling with finding who she is. Considering she has been a stay at home mom for almost 22 years now. But it's hard seeing one parent happy and the other not so happy. I don't know how else to explain it...

Ugh, I'm too pissed off right now to even say anything else.

Everything is exactly how it seems.

I am starting to realize that one of my old bosses was right about a lot of things. I shall not go further into detail than that. I thought he was wrong, that he was just saying things based on himself and his life experiences. He was not wrong. After understanding this, I have become at peace with it.

So with that being realized, I won't hold anything over anyones head about certain subjects such as relationships and what happens when you're in one. Who cares, really.

I have a lot on my mind lately. I find it hard to talk about sometimes because it ranges in subjects. Everything from being gay to death. I mean, who really wants to talk about such touchy subjects? But then again, I guess it's my blog so why the fuck can't I talk about such things?

I hate people that are so judgemental about certain lifestyles. I was hanging out with family members a few months ago who thing being gay is wrong and that it's a choice. IT'S NOT A CHOICE. I'm sure if they had their way they would fit in with everyone else in the world. But they're not. They were just wired differently. It really gets under my skin because I have friends who are gay. I have had friends who have parents that are gay. It's not like they have a problem with people that are straight! They don't complain about public affection! It really bothers me that gay people don't have the same rights. But that's because I can't tell you how many people I know that have married for the wrong reasons. Many I am close to in fact. People that marry for benefits and money and security. Now gay people? I mean it's such a taboo that only the people that REALLY REALLY want it are going to do it!

Dennis had a conversation about death the other night. Mostly because it has been talked about a lot here lately and has been in the family lately. Blah blah blah. Well, with having to do wills and going through the "what if" briefings, the subject has been pulled up a lot lately. Now, I do not want what I am about to say next be any sort of concern to anyone. Seriously. I just think that peoplet hat die young are "glorified" more than older people. With old people everyone just says the same "they had a long life" versus if you die young. I'm not saying I want to die any time soon. But it seems that way right? Families are torn up about young people dying. The families they left behind. All the "what ifs" that come up. What if this person was here for Christmas, what would they be doing? What if this person was in school right now? What kind of car would they want? What kind of... blah blah blah. You get the point right? Although, I would never in a million years with that upon anyone. Loosing a loved one is hard enough.

Ok, that's enough ranting for one night.

Oh Camden, why must you grow?

So Camden is 8 1/2 months old now and she's getting bigger and bigger every day. She's crawling, cruising, sitting, clapping, smiling, talking, mocking, oh yeah and her NEWEST thing? She's standing.... BY HERSELF! I could have just died when I saw her stand there for a few seconds. I frantically looked for my camera to see if I could possibly film it. No, it was in my purse, hanging up, IN THE HALLWAY. Which was about 30 feet away from me at the time. I tried to get her to do it again, no cigar. I shall live with the camera in my hand from now on.

While this is happening with Camden, I am starting my own journey. I submitted my paperwork for school, I am now waiting on my FAFSA to be approved. I went to a job interview last week, I am waiting for an email confirming or denying me. I also started going to the gym. Well, that last part has been happening for several weeks now. But I'm making progress. I am thinner, I am happier, I am healthier, I am loosing inches, feeling amazing, etc. I am running faster, longer, harder. I am lifting more weight with more repts. I am rocking it out. At my last WIC appointmen the lady told me that I wasn't eating enough and my weight was a good solid 126. I have been anywhere from 126-130. I am BELOW my pre-prego weight by ATLEAST 3lbs! DUDE. I know, be amazed.

So my solution has been to eat more healthy snacks like nuts (not salted) and dried fruits and such... Protein bars. Whatever I can get my hands on really.

Things going on...

So I should probably post an update on what is going on lately. Camden is crawling, sitting up, cruising, clapping, and getting into everything. She's also turning into quite the drowling monster child... I'm hoping teeth pop through soon so we can get this all over with. I'm going to miss that gummy smile of hers...

Since we've been back from the states we've been doing a lot more. We've enjoyed festivals and castles and hiking- to put it simply we've been having a blast! Pictures and such from the past 2 months or so...

This is at a medival festival that we went to with some friends. In this picture, my best friend Laura and I are being "captured." After the picture the guys in the costume asked if they could keep us. Haha

This is Laura and I with the blacksmith. He was extremely creepy and gave me a big hug when he saw me. It was awkward...

That, my friends, is Burg Nanstein. The view is from the Hitler Youth Monument. We hiked up there one Saturday morning or something with Dan, Laura, and Ray. Afterwards we went swimming :).

Camden on the 4th of July! Well, actually, 3rd. The 4th was my birthday and this year since it landed on a Sunday and Germans don't do anything on Sunday, they had the fireworks on Saturday! So here she is "tasting" the door.

Happy birthday to me!! Yaay 20!

Enjoying some sun at the castle that is right around the corner. Literally about 6km away. Which is about 3miles.

Laura and I being goofy. You can't tell by this picture but we are standing on rock that was about 6 feet tall. Kinda scary looking down to a nice long drop off... Good thing you can't see my face!!

Ahh yes, speghetti eis and bananasplits! Our treat after our hike to the castle!

and last but not least the pink car. Which had a carseat in the back. Did I mention that I love Germany and all of it's goofy-ness?

St. Louis is a wonderful place to be

Wow, I really can't keep up with this thing!

Well, we had another family emergency which took us back to St. Louis MO. We were back home for 20 days. In that time frame we went to a funeral, traveled to the east coast, saw a graduation, drove back (17 hours!!!), stayed in STL for a few more days and left. But not before our flight was delayed causing us to miss our connecting flight from DC to Frankfurt. We ended up staying in MO for a day extra. Let me break this down a little further...

So we get some pretty horrible news on D's side of the family. We weren't sure if we were even going to make it home since D was supposed to leave after the 4day weekend. We found this out Thursday morning and we were on a plane Friday morning. But of course not without some issues.

I had plans to go with my good friend to a special dinner. I couldn't cancel on her in such short notice so I still went. We ate, we laughed, we had a good time. That is until about 20 minutes before we left! I got terribly sick and asked if we could leave as soon as possible. I kid you not, as soon as I was in my house and took my clothes off I was in the bathroom throwing up! I came down with food poisoning and was praying that I would be better for our 6am flight the next day. Needless to say I got no sleep that night and if I did it was brief and only in half hour increments. Basically I was sick up until about 2:30am and we left the house at 3am. It was terrible :(

So once we got to STL, we found out that the airport had left our bag (D's and mine) in Chicago!!! So all we had was Camden's clothes and our carry on, which I was smart enough to pack extra clothes in and our toiletry bag. I would normally not do this but since I had been so sick the night before I didn't want to risk puking on myself and not having anything else to wear. Also I was wearing my glasses because I was so tired so I needed my contacts as well. Unfortunately for me, I only packed sweat pants! And when we arrived it was in the high 80s!!! Unfortunately for Dennis, he didn't listen to me about packing extra clothes... Lucky for us, there was another flight coming from Chicago that night! So our bag would be patiently waiting for us at his aunt and uncle's house :).

Camden did great on the plane by the way. But I have noticed that it's easier to travel the younger the child is. Camden was much more restless this time versus 4 months ago. Since she's mobile now all she wants to do is crawl around and check things out. The plane was so crowded and honestly I'm completely grossed out by carpets on planes so she had to deal with sitting in our laps.

The first full day back we went to the zoo. This is not ideal considering I was so sick. I was dehydrated, tired, hot, just plain miserable. But I was able to hold on for 2 hours. I will say that flying does dehydrate you so I was pretty bad off. I'm a little upset that we only got to see a few things and that we weren't able to make it back. If you are ever in St. Louis definitely go to the zoo! And to all the museums of course :). Because a lot of it is free.

After a few days of being back home Camden was officially crawling. She started sitting up by herself Thursday (the day before we left).

What else... Oh yes, we went to North Carolina to see my sister graduate as well! It was wonderful :). We spent a week there. I really didn't do much. Of course I saw some good friends, spent some much needed time with family, and relaxed. Sort of... I was pretty stressed out the whole trip because I had been so sick, the reasons why were there, Camden and jet lag (baby jet lag sucks by the way...), and plenty of other reasons! But I was very happy to show off Camden. And Dennis to the friends and family he hadn't met yet.

Oh and Camden really really really does NOT like the ocean! We went to the beach and she loved the sand and everything but when I tried to take her to the water she just freaked out.

Well other than that... Dennis got another tattoo and I got a massage. We went to the Arch, walked around the museum underneath, took a carriage ride, and had a relatively good time. Of course I was stressed out though...

On the way home the east coast was having some pretty bad weather. Our first flight was delayed on Tuesday so we would end up missing our connecting flight. This was no good since they told us that there wouldn't be another flight for 3 days! We ended up staying in St. Louis for an extra day. We ended up going to Charlotte instead and they also had bad weather! But atleast we had a flight! We sat in the plane for 2 hours waiting on the weather to clear up. 2 HOURS. I had the tallest man in the world sitting in front of me so I had no space. It was bad.

But all in all, we're home, we're happy, we're jet lagged!

Goodness!

Goodness it's been way too long! My computer was down for awhile so it was hard to do any posting. Oops!

I never made that cake btw... I need to though!

Camden is officially 6 months old as of 3 days ago. Poor baby started teething that same day. She slept for most of the morning and afternoon, slobbered on everything, and screamed the entire time she was awake. The next day she got her shots which just added to the problems. Then we took her to the pool the next day (yesterday) and she didn't enjoy it too much. I think it was the combination of the shots and teething that did her in. She ended up falling asleep after 15-20 minutes in the water. Of course that was AFTER I nursed her...

Other than that, she is now mobile which has to be the scariest thing ever. She gets into everything. Yes I am a bad mom and no I haven't baby proofed my house... Not all the way atleast. She has an obssesion with the xbox...

Well... I don't really know what else to say. Dennis is leaving. He won't be here for my birthday but he'll be able to come home before he leaves for the beach (minus the water of course...). This just broke my heart since he won't be here for Camden's first birthday. I wish he didn't have such a demanding job :(.

Looking for recipes

Instead of making dinner I made banana bread and rice pudding. We ended up having pizza for dinner (lol!). Dennis was not a fan of the rice pudding but he devoured half a loaf of banana bread in 15 minutes! I actually have a craving today for pineapple upside down cake and looked up a recipe for it. I have a jar of cherries in the fridge from Easter that needs to be used! What a perfect way to use them :).

The recipe that I found actually calls for a cake mix though so I'm wondering if I want to make it completely from scratch or not! Hmmm... When I make it I'll post pictures and tell you how it was! :)

Update on Camden

Well, Camden is officially trying to crawl! She's scooting around and it's the cutest thing ever. Whenever she sees Roxy she immediately goes for her. Or my feet. Or the tv stand. I try to put toys out across the rug but she's more intereted in the things I don't want her to have!

I was thinking about doing something special for her 6 month mark but I'm not sure what yet. I don't want to do a birthday because that's kind of ridiculous. Maybe I'll get her a cute outfit and get her picture taken or something. I was also telling Dennis that on MY birthday I want us to have matching outfits (Camden and I) he laughed and said ok. I know it's completely corny but heck, I think it would be really cute!! What are your thoughts? It would be the 4th of July so she would be 7 1/2 months old by then (HOLY CRAP!). I personally think it would be relatively easy to find something matching... I was kinda thinking maybe tutus... Maybe I'm just lame though!

Anyway, she's rolling around, grabbing everything, chatty, loves to be in her walker, tries hard to crawl, loves mommy, loves daddy, LOVES Roxy, oh and she loves sweet potatoes!!! She had her first food 2 nights ago. She almost ate the whole little container. I was so proud :).

I can't believe my baby is 5 months old!

What I wouldn't give to be alone right now.

-gone-

Fight night

Well last night was "fight night" at our house. Had a couple people over, had a wonderful dinner, watched some fights (some of which were in my living room... live...), had some great dessert, and everyone left around 11:30-ish.

It was a good time. The guys really seemed to have a good time. Some highlights of the night... Well one of the guys wouldn't leave me alone, he thought it was hilarious to grab just above my knee and squeeze. The guy is huge, 6'4" and 200lb (yes that's skinny, I know, but I'm a girl) so when he does it, it HURTS. So when he took a smoke break, I locked him out on the back porch. And since I wouldn't let him in, he jumped off the porch (we live on the 2nd floor) and hurt his ankle. I am not responsible for any kids doing the same thing...

The guys also decided to do a little wrestling of their own and ended up knocking drinks over and moving the couches. After a full beer was spilled (almost all over my Persian rug...) I got pissed and told them to clean it up or get the fuck out- yes those are the exact words. Well they cleaned it up and all is well now...

The fights absolutely sucked and I wasn't the least bit impressed by them but hell, it was a good time. Dennis made ribs, baked potatoes, and brauts (sp?). I made a pasta salad and a cheesecake. Plus there was plenty of corona and patrone (gross mixture if you ask me. The guys went through a bottle and a half or patrone silver and 30+beers- a total of 4 guys drinking).

...

Back to the subject of the previous blog. Thanks for the response. And I totally agree. Dennis HAS gotten better since we found out we were pregnant about money, but it did take me awhile to get it through to him that we can't just go around spending money (as much as I would just love to). So i think it will take some time... But we'll get there!!

...

I STILL CAN'T FIND SHOES FOR THE BALL! and we just found out that D might be on a rotation during that time... Fuck...

...

Oh I had a strange dream last night about zombies! I think everyone has had a least one zombie dream though. I woke up thinking that I needed to watch the movie "Zombieland" and if you have ever seen the movie- that's how my dream was. I wish I could remember it but since I woke up about 2 hours ago... Yeaaaah, not gonna happen!

A few things to think about.

My hands are numb. Along with my legs. Again. But I've been thinking about a few things and I wish to write about them.

1) Money will destroy everything. Dennis and I have had plenty of fights about money, who's right and who's wrong, how to spend it, how to save it, what needs to be paid asap and what doesn't need to be paid asap. I think that I am very good with money, thanks to my parents. Dennis on the other hand is like a 13 year old that just got his first $20- burns a hole in his pocket every time. I have come up with a plan to get us (really him...) out of debt by October. YES, by OCTOBER. First comes the tax return- we were waiting for Cam's social security card. This will pay of 3 rather large bills- motorcycle, jewelry, and a credit card (not large but still, what's left should go strictly to bills!). Then after that, $500 will be free to spend on bills because I refuse to use that money for anything else. Hell, it's not like we're spending it now, so if there's something that needs to be paid, why not just pay it!? Next we will pay another medium sized bill off completely in 2 months and start on another one. This will go on until October when we should have everything except for our furniture credit card (yes I said FURNITURE CREDIT CARD) and a bill that should have been taken care of while we were still living in the states. Umm did I mention how bad Dennis is with money? It has taken me almost 2 years to get him to actually go along with what I say and to buckle down. I think it was the threats that this could possibly be the end of our marriage though...

2) Divorce is becoming more and more common these days. This is depressing. It makes you stop to wonder if love can actually last. Looking at a few relationships that I either grew up around or I'm around constantly... 1a. my parents. 1b. a close friend who's marriage seems amazing, anyone would want to be like them. 1c. a friend who's marriage seems to be shattering as we speak. Also, my grandparents who split on my mom's side and my grandparents that were never married on my dad's side... Relationships are shitty. Or they can be. It has taken me a while to realize that my relationship with Dennis is NOTHING like my parents' or my grandparents' or my friends'. Obviously my parents have had a huge effect on me and my life and the way that I perceive things... But sitting back and saying "hey I'm not my mom or my dad and my relationship with my husband doesn't have to be the same." Divorce is terribly depressing... I've been wondering if maybe it's because of how sexual our world is today.

Now, I'm not saying that people "back in the day" didn't cheat on their spouse. But, what I am saying is I think that ou sexual world has put a different perspective on relationships.

Hmmm, any thoughts? I'm kind of scatter brained at the moment plus I'm still trying to gain control of my anxiety...

I made a wonderful dinner today. I'm trying to get out from under all the processed foods and start making more things from scratch. I'm also trying to set rules for the house. Which is another thing my husband and I argue about... But, I made salmon (a little butter and lemon pepper is all you need! I know, butter is fatty but I'm still trying!!), mashed potatoes (no... not from scratch, but I swear it's the last box in the cabinet! I'm trying to get rid of all the processed/boxed foods in my house! One step at a time...), and a nice salad :). It was pretty yummy. I'm wondering what I should make tomorrow... I don't know if anyone else watches Dr. Oz or not buuuut, he says that "you should only eat meat that walks on 4 feet 3 times a week." or something like that. So seafood it is!

Can you tell I'm trying to do this whole healthy thing? Plus I've been walking more. What with living in an apartment with a dog, you kinda have to! And I have friends that live on base who also have kids and no car- perfect! AND the weather is great! (or atleast it was today... and yesterday...)

Oh yeah, we're back to one car again. How shitty is that!? It seems that we can never catch a break. Plus the car that we are driving is a piece of shit as well. Two days ago I noticed a gas smell. Yes, the damn thing smells like gas! And then today while driving it something started dripping on my foot- ummm can you say anti-freeze!?! I'm waiting for the day that it just takes a crap all together. That will probably be the day that I have somewhere to be that's very important... But hell, it's a classic! 86 mercedes, could life get any better?... don't answer that...

Give me a break

This morning I woke up in a strange mood and I can't seem to put my finger on why. I woke up anxious and my arms and legs feel like they're going numb. Bad sign. I am starting to get more and more anxiety attacks that sometimes turn into straight panic attacks. It is a pretty strange feeling... I used to get these often enough to be put on medicine for them. I stopped taking the medicine because I started smoking pot and, well, true to nature it calmed me down.

Well, I'm still looking for a song that I grew up listening to. I have tried looking for it on ares whenever I think about it and I can't seem to find it. "Eep Opp Orp Ah-ah" by Violent Femmes. Cute song... Speaking of music, I have started listening to "Possibility" by Lykke Li. It's very calming...

I took my dress to get hemmed yesterday. I'll be getting that back in about 2 weeks. It's a good thing I took it in when I did! Now all I have to do is find some shoes... But I think my sister is sending the ones that she wore last year to prom. If they don't work out then I guess I'll be forced to go to K-town to shop (ooh booo- hahaha).

I'm getting ready to go eat lunch with my dearest. So I guess I should find some pants... And get an outfit ready for Miss Cam. Who has, by the way, started rolling from back to belly. It's pretty adorable really :). I even have a recording of it! She won't stay on her back for very long anymore. Unless of course, I'm sitting right there with her...

Stop crying or I'll leave you under a rock...

Haha no I would never really leave Camden under a rock but her crying is getting under my skin. She's been a total butthead the past few days. I can't even leave her with someone else, including Dennis, without her throwing a fit. She's turned into a total momma's girl and while it's thrilling sometimes, I just get annoyed that I can't leave her alone for more than a few minutes at a time. Unless of course she's sleeping.

For example: last night I went with one of my friends to go see a movie. After about an hour and a half of being gone Dennis calls me and I can hear Camden in the backgroud screaming. This is the second time that she has acted this way for someone besides me. Apparently she had been that way the whole time that I was gone until she finally screamed herself to sleep. Needless to say, she was awake when I got home. Happy and giggly, ofcourse. It honestly makes me want to pull my hair out sometimes because she's becoming spoiled... But I hate listening to her crying.

So mommy is tired more, frustrated more, and grumpy. Very very grumpy.

We're going out to eat tonight so I must walk the dog and get Miss Cam ready.

Oh the joys of unpacking...

Since Dennis has gone back to work, things have changed. Camden FINALLY slept through the night last night since we moved here (a week ago- ughh). Roxy is FINALLY going potty outside (instead of on the back porch. Thus the reason why she is no longer aloud out on the porch...). And of course, mommy is FINALLY getting used to it being just the three of us. Yes, life is good.

Yesterday Camden wasn't going to take a nap. Period. Every time I laid her down in her crib she woke up after 10 minutes. I was so tired from the night before that I layed back down and had finally fell asleep when she woke up. Yesterday was a bad day.

Today, on the other hand, was amazing. She slept through the night and then took a nap from about 12:30-2. Yessss, life is good :).

We are still unpacking the house. Well, really, it's ME that's still unpacking the house. I think Dennis has unpacked a total of 2 boxes. Yes, I said TWO boxes. I have unpacked all of the bathroom, all of Camden's room, and all of the kitchen. He has helped with ONE box in the kitchen and ONE box in the living room. The rest of the time is spent on either Camden, Roxy, or his other beloved... the xbox. I refuse to get xbox live again. And I highly discourage getting xbox live for any husband (this is to the wives!) because you will then be replaced.

Well, Camden has made it clear that she is done playing on her gym and needs to be snuggled!

Sowing Season.

Woa, it's been awhile!

So we finally moved into our new place on Wednesday- I love it. Despite it being an apartment that is... I'll have to take pictures and post them up. I have a muuuch bigger kitchen and bathroom, which is awesome :) it actually gets me motivated to make dinner (especially since I don't pop circuits when I have more than 2 burners on- thrilling!)

More to come...

*edit*
So we're still unpacking everything and getting in place. The kitchen is pretty much done. Since our kitchen at the old house was sooo tiny we didn't have a lot of stuff for the kitchen. Now we have a lot of empty cabinets. I've been working on Camden's room and I almost have it set up the way I want, I have all the boxes unpacked except for one. Now I just need to put down the carpet and hang some pictures up and it'll be complete!

Our room hasn't even been touched except to get the bedding out. We don't have any bedroom furniture anyway so it's not like it really matters. I guess getting rid of all the FMO furniture will motivate us to buy some! Haha.

Since we no longer have an office, I guess we need to find something to do with all this junk :/. Throw it all away, I say!! I seriously don't want to go through the boxes that came from the office...

Other than moving, Dennis is finally healed up and will be going back to work next week. I guess this is a good thing because we've been getting on each others nerves lately from all the time we've spent together!

Oh and that tooth that we thought was coming in- yeah... Not a tooth. Haha but oh well! I guess it was just a milk tooth- I guess I should have done some research on it...

Speaking of Camden, she has been an awesome sleeper lately. She'll usually go to bed around 9 and wake up at around 7. It's amazing... She's also putting her feet in her mouth. And today we went to hang out with one of my friends from the centering group I was in. Her baby is 3 weeks older than Camden. They were sooo cute together! They were even holding hands :D!

Roxy is still very confused about this new house. She won't go to the bathroom. In fact, she pooped on the porch- what the fuck. We live on the 2nd floor. It's kind of a pain to walk Roxy with Camden. But this will be some motivation to get out of the house a couple times a day :). But the weather here SUCKED.

Yup... That's about it!

Discovering new things

Today we went to go see Alice In Wonderland- talk about a great movie! Dennis and I both loved it and I plan on buying it when it comes out. Camden sat on my lap pretty much through the whole thing. We only had to leave twice :). She was a great baby.


Camden has recently found her toes and it's awesome! She loves being naked too. She loves it so much in fact that whenever she is upset I will strip her down and grabs her feet and rolls side to side. It works almost as good as nursing.


She is also discovering new things everyday. The other day it was ger feet, then new toys, then she learned how to make the sun light up and play music on her play gym, her most recent discovery is that mom has a mouth just like her and it's just as fun to put her fingers in it ;). That and my hair! So here are some pictures to enjoy...

May angels lead you in.

So I've been meaning to blog for the past few days now but I can't find time to just sit down and do it. Camden is going through a phase where she's hungry all the time and if I don't feed her RIGHT THEN AND THERE then she's going to just die. I know, totally dramatic. And this happens pretty much every hour and a half. But we did finally get one of those super cool play gym mat things for her and she LOVES it!

Dennis is finally getting better. The wound is getting much smaller now and it looks healthy. Which is fantastic. He is moving around better but he still can't carry anything heavy- which is fine because we all know that I'm a beast :).

Hmmm... I feel extremely selfish right now because this post is supposed to be about one of my friends...

Well, as some of you or all of you might now, a friend of mine lost her baby a few days ago to SIDS. She's one of the ladies that I went through my pregnancy with- well kinda. There's a site- www.whattoexpect.com (which I advise everyone that is pregnant to use- and yes, even the dads can use this site!) and a forum that I frequented while I was pregnant, and still do, and that's where I met this wonderful lady. Michael was almost 5 months old when he passed and it's incredibly sad.

So for the past 2 nights I've been scared to death that something horrible would happen to Camden and I check on her often. I check on her atleast 6 times before I go to sleep. And yes, she's back to sleeping in our bedroom (well atleast until we get oil damn it). She slept with us one night because every time I tried putting her down she woke up and cried and I woke up having a nightmare thinking that she was dead in my arms. I think I about had a heartattack.

It shouldn't take a tragedy to realize what you have and how lucky you are. I will never take advantage of Camden or Dennis or Roxy or any of the rest of my family for that matter again. Or atleast I will try to not be so selfish. Especially with Camden since she's teething and she's fussy lately and all I want to do is cry because she's frustrating me! But I remind myself that I could not have her tomorrow and I snuggle her more, kiss her all the time, and play with her all day long.

Sometimes I just need to hear that I'm doing a great job.

I guess I should update... Dennis is finally home and feeling better. I personally think it's all the pain medicine he is on but hey, atleast he's feeling better! We have someone come over twice a day to unpack and repack his hole in his leg- thank goodness because I probably would throw up if I tried. No seriously, I do not deal well with holes in your body that ARE NOT supposed to be there. But he's getting better, the hole looks smaller and "healthier."

Camden has started doing some funny things lately that I would like to share. First off, she has started grabbing her feet- this is hilarious especially at diaper changes. She watches me intently whenever I talk and eat and tries to mock me. Today I even tried to give her a piece of my cracker (no, not to eat, just to taste... God, what kind of mom do you think I am!?) and she tasted it and smiled and proceeded to giggle at me. We dance and sing and talk often lately. She also will not stay on her tummy as if he life depends on it. Still working on back to belly though (although I'm scared shitless of when that happens because then I will never be able to leave her alone). We tried giving her cereal the other day and she wasn't having it. She screamed at me about one fricken ounce! I need to learn to control my temper... Especially around her.

Oh and she's not only blowing spit bubbles but also raspberries- this cracks me up. Oh and she stands up and all you have to do is hold her hands to balance! Can't wait until she is taking steps :). And she sits up on her own, all you have to do is sit her there and she is good to go. For a few minutes atleast, and then she kinda topples over.

Roxy is starting to get more and more annoying as the days go on. The poor dog is starved for attention. And while I'm ashamed to admit this, it was discussed- we were talking about finding a very nice loving home for her to go to. But we're both too selfish to do this and want to keep her because we love her and she's our first baby. And plus Dennis said "If we can't get rid of Camden then we can't get rid of Roxy." So there you have it, Roxy is staying.

We are moving soon and I'm thrilled. I hate this stupid house with it's stupid oil! The oil ran out and considering it's so expensive to buy, we're putting off buying it until the 15th. No oil means no heat and no hot water. I will never, ever take advantage of a hot shower again! For now it has been sponge baths (or my mom likes to say "whore baths"). I hate it. But mainly because it's freezing when you get out and your scalp burns from rinsing with cold water because you can't pour the pot of water on your head and get all the soap out! By the way, the house is colder than the fridge if that gives you any idea!

I am now wearing my old jeans. Yes I said it, I can now officially bust out my pre-prego jeans! Wooooo! I still need to loose some weight, but hell, this is amazing :).

Oh and I got one of those formspring.me accounts- check me out at caityhasaheart. Can't get away from that name :).

Worst wife EVERRRRRRRR

I must be the worst wife ever or something. I only say this because Dennis is STILL in the hospital and I can't spend a whole lot of time there. Not because I don't want to and not because we live far away but... I have a house to clean, a dog to play with, and a child to take care of! I spend half my day in the car and no time just sitting down doing nothing! Well, except for today where I actually was able to have an hour or two to myself. I had 2 friends pick up the slack for me and take Cam for a few hours. When I say a few I really mean most of the morning and afternoon- I love my friends :). One of my friends came and picked her up around 9 and then dropped her off with my other friend around 1 and then I picked Cam up from her house around 4. Yes I said FOUR PM!

I was able to go help Dennis without a little one attached to me, which is bad for her anyway because MRSA is HIGHLY contagious. I helped him with the shower and was told that I needed to change my clothes before even touching Camden. After I helped him with that I had a few errands to run because we're moving at the end of the month. I only got 1 out of 3 things accomplished because apparently the office of one moved and someone told me one thing, another told me something else, and finally I got the number for the stupid office and it's 45 minutes away! I wanted to shoot myself in the foot. I'm thankful that I don't have to deal with this crap on Monday because Dennis is taking care of it :).

I originally was supposed to pick Camden up at 2 but since I got done with all of this crap at 2, I still had to go home and shower and change my clothes and wash them and take care of Roxy and by the time this was all said and done it was 4! Thank goodness she was a golden child or I would have been fucked. I missed her a lot though and she was alllll smiles when I picked her up :). Apparently she had been chatting away all day. God, how I love her.

Tomorrow I will be spending the WHOLE day with Dennis. And since I was only able to spend a whopping 2 hours there, I think I owe it to him ;), plus he asked me too and of course I couldn't refuse! I miss him so much... I'm hoping that he'll be able to come home tomorrow or the next day but they're trying to figure out his pain meds and make sure that he's not having any sort of reaction to the antibiotics they put him on. Pray he'll be coming home tomorrow please!

Worst case senario

Worst case scenario happened and Dennis has been admitted to the hospital. Please keep him in your thoughts and pray to who ever you pray to! Basically since yesterday, the cellulitus on his leg has grown 2 inches! It's now from his hip and taking up 3/4 of his thigh. Today when we went in to have it looked at and the packing changed out they immediately sent him to general surgery to have it looked at. Basically we went in at 2 and he was in surgery at 4. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and praying that he gets better and that he'll be able to come home soon!

Bad news- I have a spot on my shoulder that is itchy, red, and has a white head (which is exactly how his started! Only it's very obvious that this is not an ingrown hair...). I'm extremely nervous about it and I will be calling the doctor tomorrow morning to have it looked at.

Well it's late here and I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be one busy day! I have to scrub down the whole house... Ughhh cleaning sucks!

Hitting a wall.

Hmmmm... Well the past few days have been interesting. Sunday Dennis woke up with a bump on his leg that looked like an ingrown hair- no big deal, pull the hair out, pop it, go about our life. Monday comes and the bump as grown bigger, has a nasty looking scab on it and there's a red ring around it the size of my fist. No big deal, poor alcohol on it, air it out, go about our life. Monday night comes and he strips out of his uniform and shows me his leg where it now has moved down half of his fricken THIGH! The bump is now the size of my fist and the ring around it has grown half way down his leg. He is hot and doesn't feel well. We go to the ER somewhere between 7:30-8.

It takes the doctors 2 hours to even put him in a room and then another half an hour to an hour to look at the bump. They tell him they are going to cut into it and try to drain it. Dennis has MRSA. When he layed down on the little bed in the room his fever got worse, he felt sick to his stomach, and dizzy. GREAT. His leg is badly infected and the doctors are taking their fucking time. Lets just put it this way- if he had waited any longer to go in, he would have been hospitalized. We were in the ER until 2am. He is on antibiotics and pain killers. They cut into his leg and stuffed it. He now has to go in every day to get his dressings changed out.

By the way, when I say "red ring" I don't mean that it's just a ring... I mean the whole area is red. He has cellulitis (sp?). Which is very dangerous if it grows anymore.

Needless to say, I'm exhausted after going with him and then of course Camden. Why children must torment their parents with sleep, I will never know. I was excited that I was actually able to sleep from around 3 until almost 10. And that was after she woke up twice inbetween that time. I also had an appointment today and I had to run some other errands.

We are not getting along. I'm tired, Dennis is tired, we are at each others throats about everything. Ugh, maybe a public blog is not the place to be talking about this so I'll skip the fighting.

Dennis and i were talking about the people that live here and how we wish we had friends that had nothing to do with the military at all. Oh how I wish for that... Army wives are not my ideal friend to vent to. First off, they love to spread rumors. Second off, this includes YOUR personal business. Third off, some of them are just down right bitches. I wish I had normal friends to vent to. I wish I had friends that were my age that were married and had kids.

With that being said- yes I am holding a lot in and yes I am turning hostile.

Good news though! I am officially back in the 130s! Go me :)

Listening to music that puts you in a bad mood.

I hate when I'm in moods like this, but heck, here it goes. Today was supposed to be our lazy day but since our power went out and we're trying to save as much oil as possible- we decided to venture out. It was pretty boring and ordinary but it's always nice to get out of the house.

I no longer ever want to eat fast food again. No seriously. Do you know how much fat is in fast food? Ugh. Disgusting. It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it! I also swear that once all the junk is gone in my house- it's for sure GONE.

I also found some teething tablets for Camden. They go over better than the tylenol haha. I have to fight her to get the tylenol even in her mouth! Poor child... Well, she made some pretty hilarious faces when I made her take the tablets and attempted to spit it out. She definitely has a lot of personality. She's also turning into a little attention whore. No seriously, she has some issues with attention.

Ugh, I don't feel like writing anymore. My mood has gone to shit. Night.

Awkward dreams create awkward moments.

You know those really really really awkward dreams that you have where when you wake up in the morning you can't bare to even look at the person or talk to the person that you just dreamed about? Thank God that most of the people I have been dreaming about lately all live on the East Coast- very very far away from me. And the only times that I ever talk to them is if, by chance, they are online at the same time as I or facebook (oooh thank you great computer person who created facebook....).

Well I am searching for a pair of nice gold shoes to go with my pretty dress for the ball that's coming up here soon. I think I found a pair. Only problem is that they are $90 and like 6 inches high and I might just break my neck wearing them. But what the heck, they're gorgeous shoes and you only live once right?! Plus they are crazy enough to go with my crazy dress (it's aqua, brown, and gold leopard print- verrrrrrrry sexy). Anyway, I found them and I am totally in love with them. My only problem is that they are online and I have no way of trying them on- booooo internet! Speaking of dresses and balls.... I seriously need to start working out if I want to look super sexy in my ultra sexy dress (and shoes- which I AM going to buy). I would hate to have flappy arms and ass for something this important. Because "every girl deserves to go to a ball."


So my last post was about Camden cutting teeth. Well I have an amazing picture to share of that tooth that is coming in. By the way, she's got another one coming in as well and has been super cranky, slobbery, and sleepy. It's very annoying at around 4am. But she's interacting more and more and she's a total attention seaker. Everytime someone smiles at her and talks to her she gives them the biggest cheesiest baby grin ever. Very adorable. Which then, of course, produces all the "awwwws" and giggles. My child is going to be a heartbreaker when she grows up, God help me.


We're moving at the end of next month! I'm torn between being excited and not because this means less space than we have now. But it also means I'll have a bigger kitchen and Camden will be seperate from us! Hopefully this means more sleep for everyone. Less space meaning no guest bedroom- boooooo. Also we won't have our own fenced in yard. But this means we'll HAVE to take Roxy for walks (poor dog...). We will still only have one bathroom though (shoot me now).

BUT! Moving on base means no more bills! Like water, electric, heating oil (NEVER buy a house with heating oil, it's fucking expensive!), trash, sewage, ummm is there anymore that I'm forgetting? Oh yeah, RENT. Our rent is ridiculous. It ranges anywhere from $1100-$1400 depending on the exchange rate. Our rent is 915-ish euro. But we get a decent sized house AND the army pays for it. Now we won't have to worry about it for the next 2 years atleast. Plus I can paint :D. I'm thrilled about painting my house. And decorating. Oh yeah and I won't have to clean so much because there'll be less room :D.

Speaking of moving though... We're currently in the process of trying to sell one of the loveseats and the subaru. Dennis decided that it was a great idea to buy a car right before Christmas leaving us in a bind for having a wonderful Christmas this year. We pulled through needless to say but it was also around the time of our anniversary and Dennis' birthday. The loveseat was bought when we first moved here and is great. I love it buuuut we're not going to have very much room and I would much rather have a rocker for the nursery instead of a fucking couch. Gay gay gay. The car is $400 and the couch is $300. That's what we're hoping to sell it for atleast. Since I posted the items, I have had about 10-12 offers on the car and 1 for the couch! Yaaay, lets hope they are gone soon!

In other news...... Hmm... There really isn't much else going on!

Teeth

As of yesterday Camden is 3 months old! I can't believe it! Time has flown by. Lately Camden has been chewing on everything, bringing everything to her mouth- whether it's her clothes, my clothes, burp clothes, or blankets- and she's been drooling everywhere. It's gross, she soaks through an outfit in 15 minutes or less if she doesn't have a bib on. Well today she was extremely fussy and nothing was working. I tried nursing, burping, standing her up, sitting her down, laying her down, binky, swing, EVERYTHING. Well, I thought to myself to just check her poor little gums because maybe, just maybe, she'll be teething. Well, guess what?! Camden has a pearly white poking out!!! I'm thrilled :D. Yes I know that the next couple months are probably going to be hard and she's going to be cranky and I am going to have to worry about her biting me (I keep saying the moment she bites me I'll be done nursing.) and all that great stuff- but I'm so excited!!

Well, finally I gave her some baby tylenol because she was just so upset and she seemed to be in a lot of pain and I could tell she was tired. It took her a few minutes to actually take it because she hates it (and I don't blame her- the stuff is disgusting!) but within 5 minutes it worked. She was out could in 10 ;).

My poor baby is growing up so fast :)

I am frustrated.

I'm going to vent for a minute... So excuse me.

Sometimes I really, really do not understand why people would give their kids stupid names. Original or not, there are some names that just shouldn't be. I can think of a few but considering I share this blog on facebook to my friends, I won't mention some of the worst ones I've heard... But I seriously feel bad for those kids growing up. But hell, someone might think the same thing about my child...

The next thing that has been on my mind today. I hate those people that try to get others to do stuff for them without offering anything in return. Like the ones that know someone won't say no to them and asks favors... Like babysitting, driving them somewhere, etc etc. I know we all know someone that won't say no but... You're not supposed to take advantage of them! That drives me crazy. Also, the people that try to bring business to either themselves or to others like friends or family. You can only be so pushy...

I also dislike the kind of people that complain about ev.er.y.th.in.g yes, I'm putting extra emphasis on that word. You know the kind of people that make everything sound so much worse than it actually is? Like being pregnant. I understand that your back hurts, your stomach hurts, your ribs hurt, your (this might be tmi for some) va-jay-jay (that was for those guys out there hahaha) hurts, your whole body hurts, and you're also always tired. I get it. I was there. But I don't think you should complain about it ALL THE TIME. It's not as bad as some people make it out to be. But then again I didn't get as big as some. But the girl I'm talking about in particular is getting on my nerves :/ hopefully that child comes soon or I might just disconnect myself from her all together. I might do that anyway though.

I was thinking about things that really really bother me. There are some words, names, things, places, etc. that just bring on the anxiety for me. I have started to consider medicine again to help out on that anxiety. I hate to say it but I know a few things that always used to help with anxiety in the past... But I'm a mom now. There are certain words that might be said or names that bother me or places or songs or movies. They make me feel so anxious... I don't know, I've had this issue for a while now. I don't think Camden is helping either.

I pumped a bottle so I plan on heading to the gym tonight.

I was actually able to go see a movie today! First time since before Camden was born. I went to go see Valentine's Day with a friend of mine and Camden napped all the way until the end :). The movie was pretty cheesy but what do you expect from a movie with that kind of name? It was also sort of depressing. It was one of those movies were all the characters are connected in some way.

I think I want to try out for Survivor...... :)

A Thursday morning

Today Camden got her 2 month well baby shots! Poor thing wailed. I felt sooo bad for her. I admit that I was "that mom" that you see walking out of the room all teary eyed trying to calm her baby. (Dennis had tears in his eyes too, but he was also laughing... His reasoning? He said she was over dramatic- uuuuh you try being that old and getting 3 big needles stuck in her little chubby thighs!!!). Anyway, she was grumpy and fussy and I fed her and then she was perfectly fine. She even started talking to me in the waiting room. Mostly about her doctors visit and how much that mean lady made her cry. My poor baby.

Oh, Camden turns 3 months old tomorrow! Yes, we are in fact behind on her shots. But only because we had to go stateside 3 days before her appointment and had to cancell! And the earliest we could get in was today. I did make her 4 month well baby appointment today though :). It's the 22nd and I'm not looking forward to it.

She is now 13lbs and 24in long! My baby is 2 feet!! Haha :). I can't believe she has almost doubled in weight and is now 5in longer than when she was born! She amazes me every day. In fact, yesterday she started to chuckle. Cutest thing I think I have ever seen. She is more aware of her surroundings, she watches me intently when I'm around, she has started noticing her toys more and more, and get this? We have full on conversations several times a day. Conversations about her dreams, how her day is going, what she wants to do, how much she loves me and daddy and Roxy. She also loves to smile and giggle and pull things to her face. Could life get any more amazing than this? No, I don't think it could :)

A few weeks ago Dennis and I were having a conversation about a second child. This is not a subject I like because I do NOT want a second child. My reasoning? Well, I don't want to rob Cam of any attention. I want to be there for her every step of the way without having number 2 hanging on. I know this sounds selfish, but come on? I just couldn't imagine loving a second child as much as I love Camden (although I was caught off guard at how much my heart swelled for her.). I'm also thinking of Roxy. The poor thing is as jealous as it gets!

Dennis desperately wants a boy. Some days I wish Camden was a boy- ok not really (I got my wish! I got my wish!). But only so that he'll shut up about a boy!

Oh and yes we are moving. We were bumped to the top of the list for housing (yaaay!!!) and will be moving in like 2 months... ish... I never really wanted to live on base because the whole off base experience is great. Plus this means no guest bedroom, half the living space we have now, no personal yard (poor Roxy!), no garage... This also means we'll have neighbors. Next to us, under us, above us, alllllll around. I'm not thrilled. But hell, being around Americans sounds better than being around -cough- the people that have been putting Nazi signs on our cars. While I will admit, it probably was just the "kinder" it also makes me feel very very uncomfortable while Dennis is away and my front door is GLASS. Yeaaaah, fuck that.

Oh and about that dream... No I was not thinking about an old mans balls or pubes. I reread what I wrote and I know I said that I dream about things that I think about prior to going to bed. I was thinking about my brother, sister, my old friend, and getting my hair cut. Oh and a party that my dad is throwing sometime soon. The girlfriend's kids came in when I was skyping with dad and saw them. Also my parents being together is a normal thing to think about since I've only been around them for 2 or 3 weeks as "seperated." All very normal things. The skinny black girl? I was thinking about Haiti................ Yeah......... Ok! Anyway!

Well since I had a very early wake up call for that appointment this morning, I'm going to follow Camden's lead on this whole nap thing :)

I had the craziest dream last night...

So I woke up at around 4:30 this morning to Camden crying because she was hungry. I knew it was going to be a bad night because she wasn't in bed at her normal time- 9. I did, however, enjoy skyping with my dad and my brother. I love you guys :)

Anyway, about this dream... I can't really remember a whole lot of it now because, well, it's 10am and this happened at 4:30. I swear I have dreams about things that I think about or things that I do right before I go to bed.

I dreamed that I was going to a party at the beach and I was picking out a swim suit. It was yellow and sparkly. Only problem? It was February! I was picking it out with my sister and someone else. A friend that I have known since I was a little kid. She was the same way I remember her. My sister was not really my sister though. She was this skinny little black girl. I don't know how else to put it... And she was a PSYCHO. I mean, this girl was out to kill me. Every time I turned around she was trying to kick my ass. Literally.

My parents where back together- odd. But my dad was taking care of his current girlfriend's little girls. We were all going to the same party and it was pretty strange... My parents made everything with bbq sauce and chocolate pudding... Together. And when Hannah asked if they were going to seperate it mom told her to shut up.

My sister kept trying to kill me so I had to lock myself in the bathroom. I remember my dad knocking on the door. And he was trying to get Hannah away from me.

I also had to go with my brother, sister, and the same friend to a place to get a haircut. It was a German place and there was a naked dude sitting in the chair. As a joke my brother went and sat on the dudes lap who then proceeded to think my brother crazy. (sorry Aaron!). An old German lady was cutting his pubes...

What the hell?! Anyway, Dennis is home and doesn't have to go to work until later :)

Scatterbrained.

I've been sitting here trying to think of where to start on this new blog. I don't really want to make a bunch of blogs even though everything that's been on my mind has nothing to do with each other...

First off: Camden has been sleeping in her crib since pretty much we got back. Last night she slept almost 8 hours! She went to bed at 9 and then slept almost until Dennis' alarm went off :D. I was thrilled. But she also really didn't take a nap at all. I think she was too interested in what we were doing the whole day (because we had a lazy day and stayed home).



I also want to say Happy -late- Valentine's Day! I wanted to mention my wonderful husband and what he does for me. He really does a lot for me and I feel like I don't tell him enough how much I appreciate it. I mean, this man cooks and takes care of us and I'm able to be a stay at home mom because of him. For Valentine's Day I got all the normal VDay gifts- flowers, chocolates, candles, and a card... But he also made me dinner and surprised me with my favorite wine :). He's awesome and I love him.

Next topic... I'm kind of sad about the weight gain. Dennis keeps telling me if I don't like it to go to the gym. But it's not that easy... I have Camden now. And as much as I love her to death and would do anything for her... I can't help but wonder how much easier things would be with out her... I know, I know, I'm horrible for thinking such things. But I can't help it sometimes. Bottom line- I need to find time to workout so that I can (hopefully) get the body that I had before Cam back. It's going to take some time...

Also, almost 2 weeks ago there was a terrible blackhawk crash here. I don't know how many of you heard about it so I thought I would mention it... It was part of our battalion and 3 guys died. We still don't know the reason why they crashed and we might not ever know. It was a very horrible tragedy... Here's a link to the story: http://www.military.com/news/article/three-die-in-black-hawk-crash-in-germany.html

This story has been weighing on me for a while now. I think about these guys often. Just the way I think about all of our guys that are in Iraq or Afghanistan. I come from a military family and my dad has been over twice and my brother is over there currently. I also have a lot of friends that have been or are over there. Just so you know, I think of you guys often. I pray for your safety and well being and wish you guys to come home soon. This story hits close to home though... I'll be praying for the families of these men, I wish for anyone reading this blog to do the same.

I was reading a blog yesterday that I've been following for a couple months now. She was writing about Haiti. This is what she had said about natural disasters:

• "Disasters can initiate self examination.

  Disasters can bring out the best in people.

  Disasters can lead to spiritual transformation.

  A world without personal tragedy or natural disasters would
  produce no heroes."

I especially liked the last one. I hope you guys take something away from this the way that I havve.

The man is home early and dinner isn't even started! Oops!

Eff you, snow, eff you.

I'm from North Carolina therefore I don't know how to drive in the snow!! It started snowing AGAIN last night. The snow from the last time had started to melt and had pretty much turned to big blocks of ice in different places. Now on top of that ice is a nice layer of new snow. What does this mean? It means I can't drive in it! I had an appointment today and had to be there an hour early (thank goodness for birth control!). Well I left at around 9:45 and the 10 minute drive IN TRAFFIC took me a whopping 45 minutes. It was insane. Even the autobahn wasn't cleared. Autobahn+snow= scary. It took me 20 minutes to get up the mountain to my house. There was a van that was going sideways and so the other cars were slowing down and passing it. Well, when I had to slow down and start going again, I started turning sideways. I almost got stuck. I not only had Camden with me but I didn't have a cell phone and NO way to dig myself out (God forbid I get stuck...). The 30 seconds it normally takes me to get from the light to where you turn to go to Burg Nanstein took me about 20 minutes to get up at 20k. 20k=10mph. I just kept saying "Please God, let me get to my house in one piece with my daughter AND my car! I will NEVER drive when the weather is like this again I swear! Especially not without a 4wd car! PLEASE!"

The good news? I'm not pregnant (yay) and I'm officially on birth control (yay)! Camden was a golden child, as usual.

Camden has officially started sleeping in her own crib. We've also established when nap time is during the day. She usually has a nap at around 10 or 11 and then again around 4 or 5. Last night though, she was hungry a little earlier and she started falling asleep around 7. So I had to keep her awake until I gave her a bath. After her bath she pretty much fell asleep on the couch next to me while we waited for daddy to get home. She woke up, ate, and was out around 9. She slept for 5 hours. We're getting there. I'm hoping by this time next week that she'll be sleeping 7 hours again. Hopefully longer (but I'm not holding my breath).

We're currently looking for a new house here in Germany though. In the past few months we've had firecrackers thrown at our windows (past 10pm), kids coming into our FENCED IN BACK YARD, snowballs thrown at our windows (past 10pm with a newborn), kids having sex behind our house in the ally (which was pretty hilarious because Roxy scared the crap out of them. Even when the sun goes down here, you can still see pretty well- in the summer that is...), Nazi signs on our cars! (the landlord said it was just "kinder" umm hello, no it was not! Authorities just recently arrested 2 head gang leaders that were trying to get guns to kill as many Americans as possible. This is so not cool.). And I know there's more but I couldn't even think of the rest. But those are pretty good reasons to move I think. Especially the last one. Oh and people have also stolen our bio cans- seriously, what the fuck? Well, I had an appointment last night and today but I was unable to go to either one because the one last night was at 7 and it was dark and it had started to snow and I have no GPS. Fml. The one today I had to cancel because of the snow. Well when I called to cancel the guy says "That house has been rented out. Someone came to look at it last night." FML! Plus the waiting list to get on base housing is a 12-14 month wait :(. Could this get any worse???

Well, I need to find something better to do with my time than stay on the internet! Plus I need to check on Camden...

Camden is in her own room- success.

She slept in her own crib, she slept in her own crib!!! For almost 6 hours straight!!! :D I'm super excited about this! We just started trying it last night and wa-la it worked! I thought it would be much harder than it was. But we still have a lot more to accomplish. Like getting back to those 7 hour stretches. At the moment we're trying to get her to fall asleep before midnight. I think this is going to be a rough 2 weeks...

Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better

In the past two weeks I have traveled with an infant, met some of my in-laws, took a trip down memory lane, fought with my 2 month old on her schedule, gave up and let her sleep in bed with me anyway, started working out, quit working out, felt miserable about my body so started working out AGAIN, woke up because of my crazy dreams, fought and lost my battle with insomnia (because of those dreams), and conquered a snow storm. Whew.

Traveling with an infant isn't as bad as I thought it would be. And I was absolutely TERRIFIED of it. Mainly because we had a 12 hour flight back home to deal with. But Camden was amazing :). She was asleep at take off, and only woke up to be fed. The noise and pressure didn't seem to bother her in the least. The only time she freaked out was when we were landing and that was mainly because she was hungry- they always seem to pick the wrong times to be hungry huh?

While the reasons why we went home (death in the family...) are horrible, we're happy that we were able to all go back and show little Camden off to both of our families. While my parents and siblings have yet to meet Cam, they will this summer. She was able to meet some great grandparents, great aunts and uncles, aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. She was even able to meet a GREAT GREAT grandpa!

This next paragraph may seem a little shallow. Sorry in advance. We were very happy to actually get some shopping done and have a few days to our selves- as in, no baby. I was able to get a beautiful gown for the ball coming up in the spring, a new coat, some other random pieces of clothing. The likewise could be said for my dear husband. We were also able to spend time with hubby's brother and his girlfriend. We went to the City Museum one night- what a blast.

We spent a little over a week there and finally went home. Then D took the rest of the week off to get back on schedule. We were there long enough to get on their time zone, only to have to turn right back around and redo it. 7 hours difference is A LOT.

When we landed in Germany, there was about 1.5-2 feet of snow. And it only got worse. Did I mention that we were ALL sick and had to take Camden to the doctor? Yeah, we were snowed in and it sucked. All it was was bronchitis and sinuses. Camden was super stuffed up and so we were prescribed some nasal drops and to buy a cool humidifier (those things are magical- how did I ever survive flu season before this!?).

I've decided that I'm not only going to watch my weight but also my inches. Inches around my hips, arms, legs, etc...

I have also decided upon a tattoo idea for Camden and where it's going to go. I'm excited about getting this idea on paper (I've already drawn some of it.) and getting it done. I won't share it until I've started. I'm excited :)