I can't believe how crazy today has been! I had to do all of my job stuff and do a bunch of paperwork. It basically consisted of standing in long lines just to do something that took literally 5 minutes. 6 lines and I was there from 9:30-1. Ridiculous.
And the worst part? I don't think I can take the job. Because I would have to wean Camden in a little over a week. And this kid is determined to nurse until she's 2. She used to take a bottle up until about 3 months which was when we got home from St. Louis the first time. Then after that I was more comfortable with nursing in public which means I never brought a bottle. That was a huge mistake. I tried to give her a small bottle today and she was literally screaming for 20 minutes almost making herself sick.
So, when we go on leave we'll be weaning. Because if we don't wean now, I don't think we'll ever get it done before Dennis gets home. And by that time Camden will be 18 months. While I'm all for extended breast feeding, I think I would love Camden more if I could get a few hours to myself.
I'm a believer in karma and if it's supposed to happen it will. Well with that being said, I know I got this job and it kind of just fell into my lap so I'm sure that I'll find another job when the time is right. The time just isn't right for now. Plus I'm trying to get back into college and I know I wouldn't have been able to juggle everything. College > job.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I need to find God or something.
I'm having a hard time right now trying to breathe throw what's going to happen in the next year. I know I shouldn't worry about it and just to take it one day at a time but it's reaaaaaallllllly hard looking at it that way. I just want to scream and throw a fit but I know that's not going to help me with anything.
I'm frustrated with my family. My family back home in the states that is. Mostly because I believe everyone deserves happiness and if that means that people need to seperate to find that happiness- please, by all means, DO IT. But at the same time, I'm having a hard time accepting some of the things that are happening. As most of you know, my parents are divorced. A recent divorce. Which means everyone around them somehow, somewhere, has hurt feelings about this. Mostly it's close relatives or my siblings.
Up until recently I have been utterly ecstatic for my parents. In my opinion, this probably should have happened 10 years ago. It's not my story to tell so I won't go into details. Well, like I was saying, none of this bothered me until recently. And it probably bothers me so much now because I'm already stressed out with things going on here that all I needed to send me over the edge was family drama back home. And it's not even drama! I wanted my parents to find happiness. And my dad has. My mom is still struggling with finding who she is. Considering she has been a stay at home mom for almost 22 years now. But it's hard seeing one parent happy and the other not so happy. I don't know how else to explain it...
Ugh, I'm too pissed off right now to even say anything else.
I'm frustrated with my family. My family back home in the states that is. Mostly because I believe everyone deserves happiness and if that means that people need to seperate to find that happiness- please, by all means, DO IT. But at the same time, I'm having a hard time accepting some of the things that are happening. As most of you know, my parents are divorced. A recent divorce. Which means everyone around them somehow, somewhere, has hurt feelings about this. Mostly it's close relatives or my siblings.
Up until recently I have been utterly ecstatic for my parents. In my opinion, this probably should have happened 10 years ago. It's not my story to tell so I won't go into details. Well, like I was saying, none of this bothered me until recently. And it probably bothers me so much now because I'm already stressed out with things going on here that all I needed to send me over the edge was family drama back home. And it's not even drama! I wanted my parents to find happiness. And my dad has. My mom is still struggling with finding who she is. Considering she has been a stay at home mom for almost 22 years now. But it's hard seeing one parent happy and the other not so happy. I don't know how else to explain it...
Ugh, I'm too pissed off right now to even say anything else.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Everything is exactly how it seems.
I am starting to realize that one of my old bosses was right about a lot of things. I shall not go further into detail than that. I thought he was wrong, that he was just saying things based on himself and his life experiences. He was not wrong. After understanding this, I have become at peace with it.
So with that being realized, I won't hold anything over anyones head about certain subjects such as relationships and what happens when you're in one. Who cares, really.
I have a lot on my mind lately. I find it hard to talk about sometimes because it ranges in subjects. Everything from being gay to death. I mean, who really wants to talk about such touchy subjects? But then again, I guess it's my blog so why the fuck can't I talk about such things?
I hate people that are so judgemental about certain lifestyles. I was hanging out with family members a few months ago who thing being gay is wrong and that it's a choice. IT'S NOT A CHOICE. I'm sure if they had their way they would fit in with everyone else in the world. But they're not. They were just wired differently. It really gets under my skin because I have friends who are gay. I have had friends who have parents that are gay. It's not like they have a problem with people that are straight! They don't complain about public affection! It really bothers me that gay people don't have the same rights. But that's because I can't tell you how many people I know that have married for the wrong reasons. Many I am close to in fact. People that marry for benefits and money and security. Now gay people? I mean it's such a taboo that only the people that REALLY REALLY want it are going to do it!
Dennis had a conversation about death the other night. Mostly because it has been talked about a lot here lately and has been in the family lately. Blah blah blah. Well, with having to do wills and going through the "what if" briefings, the subject has been pulled up a lot lately. Now, I do not want what I am about to say next be any sort of concern to anyone. Seriously. I just think that peoplet hat die young are "glorified" more than older people. With old people everyone just says the same "they had a long life" versus if you die young. I'm not saying I want to die any time soon. But it seems that way right? Families are torn up about young people dying. The families they left behind. All the "what ifs" that come up. What if this person was here for Christmas, what would they be doing? What if this person was in school right now? What kind of car would they want? What kind of... blah blah blah. You get the point right? Although, I would never in a million years with that upon anyone. Loosing a loved one is hard enough.
Ok, that's enough ranting for one night.
So with that being realized, I won't hold anything over anyones head about certain subjects such as relationships and what happens when you're in one. Who cares, really.
I have a lot on my mind lately. I find it hard to talk about sometimes because it ranges in subjects. Everything from being gay to death. I mean, who really wants to talk about such touchy subjects? But then again, I guess it's my blog so why the fuck can't I talk about such things?
I hate people that are so judgemental about certain lifestyles. I was hanging out with family members a few months ago who thing being gay is wrong and that it's a choice. IT'S NOT A CHOICE. I'm sure if they had their way they would fit in with everyone else in the world. But they're not. They were just wired differently. It really gets under my skin because I have friends who are gay. I have had friends who have parents that are gay. It's not like they have a problem with people that are straight! They don't complain about public affection! It really bothers me that gay people don't have the same rights. But that's because I can't tell you how many people I know that have married for the wrong reasons. Many I am close to in fact. People that marry for benefits and money and security. Now gay people? I mean it's such a taboo that only the people that REALLY REALLY want it are going to do it!
Dennis had a conversation about death the other night. Mostly because it has been talked about a lot here lately and has been in the family lately. Blah blah blah. Well, with having to do wills and going through the "what if" briefings, the subject has been pulled up a lot lately. Now, I do not want what I am about to say next be any sort of concern to anyone. Seriously. I just think that peoplet hat die young are "glorified" more than older people. With old people everyone just says the same "they had a long life" versus if you die young. I'm not saying I want to die any time soon. But it seems that way right? Families are torn up about young people dying. The families they left behind. All the "what ifs" that come up. What if this person was here for Christmas, what would they be doing? What if this person was in school right now? What kind of car would they want? What kind of... blah blah blah. You get the point right? Although, I would never in a million years with that upon anyone. Loosing a loved one is hard enough.
Ok, that's enough ranting for one night.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Oh Camden, why must you grow?
So Camden is 8 1/2 months old now and she's getting bigger and bigger every day. She's crawling, cruising, sitting, clapping, smiling, talking, mocking, oh yeah and her NEWEST thing? She's standing.... BY HERSELF! I could have just died when I saw her stand there for a few seconds. I frantically looked for my camera to see if I could possibly film it. No, it was in my purse, hanging up, IN THE HALLWAY. Which was about 30 feet away from me at the time. I tried to get her to do it again, no cigar. I shall live with the camera in my hand from now on.
While this is happening with Camden, I am starting my own journey. I submitted my paperwork for school, I am now waiting on my FAFSA to be approved. I went to a job interview last week, I am waiting for an email confirming or denying me. I also started going to the gym. Well, that last part has been happening for several weeks now. But I'm making progress. I am thinner, I am happier, I am healthier, I am loosing inches, feeling amazing, etc. I am running faster, longer, harder. I am lifting more weight with more repts. I am rocking it out. At my last WIC appointmen the lady told me that I wasn't eating enough and my weight was a good solid 126. I have been anywhere from 126-130. I am BELOW my pre-prego weight by ATLEAST 3lbs! DUDE. I know, be amazed.
So my solution has been to eat more healthy snacks like nuts (not salted) and dried fruits and such... Protein bars. Whatever I can get my hands on really.
While this is happening with Camden, I am starting my own journey. I submitted my paperwork for school, I am now waiting on my FAFSA to be approved. I went to a job interview last week, I am waiting for an email confirming or denying me. I also started going to the gym. Well, that last part has been happening for several weeks now. But I'm making progress. I am thinner, I am happier, I am healthier, I am loosing inches, feeling amazing, etc. I am running faster, longer, harder. I am lifting more weight with more repts. I am rocking it out. At my last WIC appointmen the lady told me that I wasn't eating enough and my weight was a good solid 126. I have been anywhere from 126-130. I am BELOW my pre-prego weight by ATLEAST 3lbs! DUDE. I know, be amazed.
So my solution has been to eat more healthy snacks like nuts (not salted) and dried fruits and such... Protein bars. Whatever I can get my hands on really.
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