My sensible heart

Every little thing I do, I do for you.

With every little thing, I think a thought of you.

And I try so hard not to notice,

I try so hard not to care,

I try so hard not to know you're not here.

But I'm counting down the hours,

I'm counting down the days,

I try so hard not to show this side of me.

Jealous of the way they walk, the way they talk

'Cause I don't think they know just what they got.

I'm jealous of the way they look, the way they are.

When I just want to be the way we were.

And I try so hard not to notice,

I try so hard not to care,

I try so hard not to know that you're not here

But I'm counting down the hours,

I'm counting down the days,

I try so hard not to show this side of me.

Well I try so hard not to notice,

I try so hard not to care,

I try so hard not to know that you're not here.

But I'm counting down the hours,

I'm counting down the days,

I try so hard not to show this side of me.

This side of me

The Piano Song; Meiko

You're a dandelion seed that flies through the air.

Today is a much better day than the last time I posted. I'm in week 3 of P90X and I'll tell you what- I'm starting to notice a difference. In my legs, my stomach, my arms. But especially my stomach. As I've already said, I'm not trying to loose weight, just tone. I'm already under my pre-prego weight. I thank nursing for that.

Speaking of nursing- we're almost completely weened! While I aboslutely LOVE nursing and suggest for every mother to try it because it's just that amazing- I'm kinda ready to be done. I love Camden and I love nursing it's just that I think we would love each other much more if we weren't doing it anymore. It also becomes pretty awkward when your child tries to assume position and lift your shirt... I have a very strict rule on parenting- when your child assumes position it's time to stop. That goes for nursing and potty training.

We have surpassed the 1 month mark and we have survived! I must admit that it is nice to watch whatever I want whenever I want to. Not having to share the bathroom is always a plus. Oh and sharing the bed is completely OUT the window, I'm a firm beleiver of sleeping in the middle of the bed, I don't even share with Roxy. Or Camden. I can do whatever I like whenever I like to. And I can eat whatever I want. And if that means I want to eat a whole bag of reeses in 2 days, well damn it, I'll do it! I'm trying to not think about how lonely it is to go to bed without saying "I love you, goodnight" to the person that I love with all my heart. I guess that's why I put off going to bed...

I still haven't got the car fixed. And I haven't enrolled in college yet. I'm a slacker. Tomorrow I'm treating myself to a haircut. Then Tuesday I have to take Roxy to a friend's house to see if she'll work well with her kids so that I can go home. I have found someone to take Roxy for the whole month I'll be gone even if that means that I need 2 people to do it. Yesssss! I guess Wednesday I'll have to do everything else that I've been putting off...

Oh another thing- I don't have to do everything in one day. I can space out 5 tasks in 5 days. And I love it.

We're getting ready for Camden's big first birthday. We have less than 2 weeks to go. I can't tell you how excited and nervous I am! She is such a smart child. She calls me momma, sees pictures of Dennis and says dada. She says dog. And I swear the other day she said "Hi Laura" to my close friend. She's running and playing and interacting and it's great. Oh and we love to shop. I think she loves it because everyone pays attention to her.

And something that I find very special is lunch after nap time. Today we ate lunch together at the table. I ate my sandwich and cheetos and drank my coke (I know... soooo healthy... whatever!) and she sat next to me eating chicken sticks and bananas and drinking her juice. We kept giggling at each other. She would point at something and say "that" and I would tell her what "that" was. Trees, daddy, Roxy, mommy, table, sandwich, couch, etc. Lunch time is my favorite time. Besides just after bathtime when we chase each other around the house. Or when she brings me a book and we read "Goodnight Moon." Did I mention how much I love being a mom?

For those of you that do wonder- Dennis is doing fine. He says it's hot there. He works and sleeps and that's basically it. I don't get to talk to him much anymore because of his job and the nature of it. The more he has to work the more worried I become. Not exactly for HIM but for the other guys that are there. You see, you have to have someone to bring our boys home... He's one of those guys. And my heart absolutely swells when I hear stories. Or I see someone at the hospital that I've seen in their pictures over there. I just want to walk up to them and give them a big hug. Because I know the last person they saw over there was probably Dennis. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it... I know this might not make sense to many people... I guess I just need to get it out.

It's cold and nasty in Germany. Not much fun for any of us really. Poor Roxy is tired of being kept cooped up in the house. But I honestly don't know what else to do for her because it's too cold and wet to take her out back and throw the ball. I won't be surprised if it snows soon. Yuck.

I'll be going home for the holidays. Or that's what it looks like right now. I'm excited.

More to come at a later time...

I love you- today just sucks.

The life of a military wife sucks. Plain and simple. But I'm honestly not sure what I would do if I married a man that had a 9 to 5 job. I would probably go insane. Dennis has been gone almost a month. What can possibly happen in a month? A lot of things. Camden learned to run, has 2 more teeth and getting 2 more (which brings the total to 8!), has been almost completely weened, knows "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands", "How big is Camden", Ring-around-the-rosy, and several other things that I'm sure I'm forgetting.

What else could possibly happen in 1 month? Well a ground could go out in your car making the lights on the inside not turn on including your tail lights. But of course not the break lights or the blinkers or the flashers. No, just the other important ones. You know, the ones that make you visible to people behind you in the dark?

What else could possibly happen in 1 month? Well only a handful of emails, conversations, and phone calls of course. I could probably count on 1 hand how many phone calls I've recieved that have been longer than the great 5 minutes. But that must be far better than hand written letters, right?

What else could happen in 1 month? Well, countless sleepless nights, a few new decorations, shopping therapy, and good friends. Also the poisoness friends have been removed and a few others that are just looking for an easy hookup. Yes, I said it- easy hookup. Because we all know that military wives are like single wives (or mothers... depending on the job, and sorry guys but "mother" does come before "wife"). Those "friends" have also been removed because they are just as poisoness as the Debby Downers.

You might sit back and think "wow she sounds kind of bitter." Why yes, yes in fact I am bitter. I'm bitter because I'm tired of having to play nice with people I don't like. I'm bitter because I just want my hands to be warmed by my husband. I'm bitter because I wouldn't mind someone sleeping next to me that isn't covered in fur. Thank you very much. I also wouldn't mind being around the people that I love most and who I can't be around for very long because Germany is in fact my home now. If he was home, I wouldn't have to see another soul.

If I had known that growing up was going to suck this much I probably wouldn't have grown up. If I had known that I would have to single handedly take on the financial world without consulting with someone that probably has a better view on things (and is the main bread winner...) then I wouldn't have grown up. Almost 2 years of marriage doesn't make it easier to make decisions on money. If I had known that I would have to raise a child and take care of a dog, OH AND myself (please lets not forget to brush your hair and your teeth...) then I probably wouldn't have grown up. If I had known that I would have to figure out if the problem with the car was caused by a fuse or just a burnt out light- but oh wait it's a far worse problem than that! Then I probably wouldn't have grown up. If I had known that I would have to make arrangements for the dog, the car, the truck, the kid, MYSELF, the house, the money, oh and basically anything else that you could possibly think of- I PROBABLY wouldn't have grown up. This includes all of the following holidays to include Halloween, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, Easter, and any other fricken holiday that you could possibly throw in there. And making sure that you start traditions that you can keep up with in the following years because now you have a child and traditions are important for families... Yeah I probably wouldn't have grown up.

I really wouldn't mind banging my head against the wall right about now. Fort Minor's song "Where'd You Go" comes to mind when I'm thinking about all of these things. With good reason of course...

You could not imagine how hard it is to act like everything is ok when it, in deed, is not all ok. I love you and I miss you- today just sucks.

Oh and a few days ago I was looking at property in Kill Devil Hills and Hatteris. I found the perfect little house ever with a view of the beach. Ahhhhhh....

We're just going in circles

I can't believe how crazy today has been! I had to do all of my job stuff and do a bunch of paperwork. It basically consisted of standing in long lines just to do something that took literally 5 minutes. 6 lines and I was there from 9:30-1. Ridiculous.

And the worst part? I don't think I can take the job. Because I would have to wean Camden in a little over a week. And this kid is determined to nurse until she's 2. She used to take a bottle up until about 3 months which was when we got home from St. Louis the first time. Then after that I was more comfortable with nursing in public which means I never brought a bottle. That was a huge mistake. I tried to give her a small bottle today and she was literally screaming for 20 minutes almost making herself sick.

So, when we go on leave we'll be weaning. Because if we don't wean now, I don't think we'll ever get it done before Dennis gets home. And by that time Camden will be 18 months. While I'm all for extended breast feeding, I think I would love Camden more if I could get a few hours to myself.

I'm a believer in karma and if it's supposed to happen it will. Well with that being said, I know I got this job and it kind of just fell into my lap so I'm sure that I'll find another job when the time is right. The time just isn't right for now. Plus I'm trying to get back into college and I know I wouldn't have been able to juggle everything. College > job.

I need to find God or something.

I'm having a hard time right now trying to breathe throw what's going to happen in the next year. I know I shouldn't worry about it and just to take it one day at a time but it's reaaaaaallllllly hard looking at it that way. I just want to scream and throw a fit but I know that's not going to help me with anything.

I'm frustrated with my family. My family back home in the states that is. Mostly because I believe everyone deserves happiness and if that means that people need to seperate to find that happiness- please, by all means, DO IT. But at the same time, I'm having a hard time accepting some of the things that are happening. As most of you know, my parents are divorced. A recent divorce. Which means everyone around them somehow, somewhere, has hurt feelings about this. Mostly it's close relatives or my siblings.

Up until recently I have been utterly ecstatic for my parents. In my opinion, this probably should have happened 10 years ago. It's not my story to tell so I won't go into details. Well, like I was saying, none of this bothered me until recently. And it probably bothers me so much now because I'm already stressed out with things going on here that all I needed to send me over the edge was family drama back home. And it's not even drama! I wanted my parents to find happiness. And my dad has. My mom is still struggling with finding who she is. Considering she has been a stay at home mom for almost 22 years now. But it's hard seeing one parent happy and the other not so happy. I don't know how else to explain it...

Ugh, I'm too pissed off right now to even say anything else.

Everything is exactly how it seems.

I am starting to realize that one of my old bosses was right about a lot of things. I shall not go further into detail than that. I thought he was wrong, that he was just saying things based on himself and his life experiences. He was not wrong. After understanding this, I have become at peace with it.

So with that being realized, I won't hold anything over anyones head about certain subjects such as relationships and what happens when you're in one. Who cares, really.

I have a lot on my mind lately. I find it hard to talk about sometimes because it ranges in subjects. Everything from being gay to death. I mean, who really wants to talk about such touchy subjects? But then again, I guess it's my blog so why the fuck can't I talk about such things?

I hate people that are so judgemental about certain lifestyles. I was hanging out with family members a few months ago who thing being gay is wrong and that it's a choice. IT'S NOT A CHOICE. I'm sure if they had their way they would fit in with everyone else in the world. But they're not. They were just wired differently. It really gets under my skin because I have friends who are gay. I have had friends who have parents that are gay. It's not like they have a problem with people that are straight! They don't complain about public affection! It really bothers me that gay people don't have the same rights. But that's because I can't tell you how many people I know that have married for the wrong reasons. Many I am close to in fact. People that marry for benefits and money and security. Now gay people? I mean it's such a taboo that only the people that REALLY REALLY want it are going to do it!

Dennis had a conversation about death the other night. Mostly because it has been talked about a lot here lately and has been in the family lately. Blah blah blah. Well, with having to do wills and going through the "what if" briefings, the subject has been pulled up a lot lately. Now, I do not want what I am about to say next be any sort of concern to anyone. Seriously. I just think that peoplet hat die young are "glorified" more than older people. With old people everyone just says the same "they had a long life" versus if you die young. I'm not saying I want to die any time soon. But it seems that way right? Families are torn up about young people dying. The families they left behind. All the "what ifs" that come up. What if this person was here for Christmas, what would they be doing? What if this person was in school right now? What kind of car would they want? What kind of... blah blah blah. You get the point right? Although, I would never in a million years with that upon anyone. Loosing a loved one is hard enough.

Ok, that's enough ranting for one night.

Oh Camden, why must you grow?

So Camden is 8 1/2 months old now and she's getting bigger and bigger every day. She's crawling, cruising, sitting, clapping, smiling, talking, mocking, oh yeah and her NEWEST thing? She's standing.... BY HERSELF! I could have just died when I saw her stand there for a few seconds. I frantically looked for my camera to see if I could possibly film it. No, it was in my purse, hanging up, IN THE HALLWAY. Which was about 30 feet away from me at the time. I tried to get her to do it again, no cigar. I shall live with the camera in my hand from now on.

While this is happening with Camden, I am starting my own journey. I submitted my paperwork for school, I am now waiting on my FAFSA to be approved. I went to a job interview last week, I am waiting for an email confirming or denying me. I also started going to the gym. Well, that last part has been happening for several weeks now. But I'm making progress. I am thinner, I am happier, I am healthier, I am loosing inches, feeling amazing, etc. I am running faster, longer, harder. I am lifting more weight with more repts. I am rocking it out. At my last WIC appointmen the lady told me that I wasn't eating enough and my weight was a good solid 126. I have been anywhere from 126-130. I am BELOW my pre-prego weight by ATLEAST 3lbs! DUDE. I know, be amazed.

So my solution has been to eat more healthy snacks like nuts (not salted) and dried fruits and such... Protein bars. Whatever I can get my hands on really.