These past few days have been really rough on me. Well, the past week really. I'm ate up with jealousy and I'm having a hard time sleeping and my heart feels heavy and I have no appetite. Saturday and Sunday were by far the worst days of this deployment. It's hard to be in an argument with a loved one when they are so far away. Especially when there is limited communication.
Well, I don't really have any sort of solution for anyone on what to do in these sort of situations. I really don't want to put my business out there so finding someone to talk to about it other than your other half is really hard. I've talked more about what's going on with three of my friends here and every single one of them has gone through the same things we're going through now. Sometimes you just need to talk.
I talked to Dennis about everything that was bothering me yesterday. Waiting for a phone call that you're not sure if you'll even receive sucks. You don't want to sit at home but you don't want to leave just in case they do call. And when they do call, what do you say?
I know marriage isn't a forever kind of thing. I know that things change. I also know that there are boundaries that should never ever be crossed and both parties need to know the extent of those boundaries. Marriage is as complicated as you make it. And choose your words wisely.
I almost wish that we could go back to the old days where people were matched to benefit the family. That would make things a million times easier. But now people want to have freedom of everything so they want to marry out of love and because, well damn it, because they want to!
Marriage makes you realize that you can't just run away when you want to. You have to face your problems when they arise.
What do you think about marriage now versus marriage, lets say, 50 years ago?
Come with me, let me walk you through the life I currently live in.
Not a thing is forgotten, not a thing is forgiven.
Nobody can hold their own underneath the weight but, nobody can take the blame of their own mistakes.
So what do you do when somebody lets you down?
And you want to say something but you can't because they're not around?
Inside you think they know the extent of the pain.
But they won't even admit that they were the one to blame.
Can somebody please just explain to me what happened to the way that we said we'd always be.
Because I don't know why I push through the pain that I got through. And I'm loosing hope.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I love you- today just sucks.
The life of a military wife sucks. Plain and simple. But I'm honestly not sure what I would do if I married a man that had a 9 to 5 job. I would probably go insane. Dennis has been gone almost a month. What can possibly happen in a month? A lot of things. Camden learned to run, has 2 more teeth and getting 2 more (which brings the total to 8!), has been almost completely weened, knows "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands", "How big is Camden", Ring-around-the-rosy, and several other things that I'm sure I'm forgetting.
What else could possibly happen in 1 month? Well a ground could go out in your car making the lights on the inside not turn on including your tail lights. But of course not the break lights or the blinkers or the flashers. No, just the other important ones. You know, the ones that make you visible to people behind you in the dark?
What else could possibly happen in 1 month? Well only a handful of emails, conversations, and phone calls of course. I could probably count on 1 hand how many phone calls I've recieved that have been longer than the great 5 minutes. But that must be far better than hand written letters, right?
What else could happen in 1 month? Well, countless sleepless nights, a few new decorations, shopping therapy, and good friends. Also the poisoness friends have been removed and a few others that are just looking for an easy hookup. Yes, I said it- easy hookup. Because we all know that military wives are like single wives (or mothers... depending on the job, and sorry guys but "mother" does come before "wife"). Those "friends" have also been removed because they are just as poisoness as the Debby Downers.
You might sit back and think "wow she sounds kind of bitter." Why yes, yes in fact I am bitter. I'm bitter because I'm tired of having to play nice with people I don't like. I'm bitter because I just want my hands to be warmed by my husband. I'm bitter because I wouldn't mind someone sleeping next to me that isn't covered in fur. Thank you very much. I also wouldn't mind being around the people that I love most and who I can't be around for very long because Germany is in fact my home now. If he was home, I wouldn't have to see another soul.
If I had known that growing up was going to suck this much I probably wouldn't have grown up. If I had known that I would have to single handedly take on the financial world without consulting with someone that probably has a better view on things (and is the main bread winner...) then I wouldn't have grown up. Almost 2 years of marriage doesn't make it easier to make decisions on money. If I had known that I would have to raise a child and take care of a dog, OH AND myself (please lets not forget to brush your hair and your teeth...) then I probably wouldn't have grown up. If I had known that I would have to figure out if the problem with the car was caused by a fuse or just a burnt out light- but oh wait it's a far worse problem than that! Then I probably wouldn't have grown up. If I had known that I would have to make arrangements for the dog, the car, the truck, the kid, MYSELF, the house, the money, oh and basically anything else that you could possibly think of- I PROBABLY wouldn't have grown up. This includes all of the following holidays to include Halloween, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, Easter, and any other fricken holiday that you could possibly throw in there. And making sure that you start traditions that you can keep up with in the following years because now you have a child and traditions are important for families... Yeah I probably wouldn't have grown up.
I really wouldn't mind banging my head against the wall right about now. Fort Minor's song "Where'd You Go" comes to mind when I'm thinking about all of these things. With good reason of course...
You could not imagine how hard it is to act like everything is ok when it, in deed, is not all ok. I love you and I miss you- today just sucks.
Oh and a few days ago I was looking at property in Kill Devil Hills and Hatteris. I found the perfect little house ever with a view of the beach. Ahhhhhh....
What else could possibly happen in 1 month? Well a ground could go out in your car making the lights on the inside not turn on including your tail lights. But of course not the break lights or the blinkers or the flashers. No, just the other important ones. You know, the ones that make you visible to people behind you in the dark?
What else could possibly happen in 1 month? Well only a handful of emails, conversations, and phone calls of course. I could probably count on 1 hand how many phone calls I've recieved that have been longer than the great 5 minutes. But that must be far better than hand written letters, right?
What else could happen in 1 month? Well, countless sleepless nights, a few new decorations, shopping therapy, and good friends. Also the poisoness friends have been removed and a few others that are just looking for an easy hookup. Yes, I said it- easy hookup. Because we all know that military wives are like single wives (or mothers... depending on the job, and sorry guys but "mother" does come before "wife"). Those "friends" have also been removed because they are just as poisoness as the Debby Downers.
You might sit back and think "wow she sounds kind of bitter." Why yes, yes in fact I am bitter. I'm bitter because I'm tired of having to play nice with people I don't like. I'm bitter because I just want my hands to be warmed by my husband. I'm bitter because I wouldn't mind someone sleeping next to me that isn't covered in fur. Thank you very much. I also wouldn't mind being around the people that I love most and who I can't be around for very long because Germany is in fact my home now. If he was home, I wouldn't have to see another soul.
If I had known that growing up was going to suck this much I probably wouldn't have grown up. If I had known that I would have to single handedly take on the financial world without consulting with someone that probably has a better view on things (and is the main bread winner...) then I wouldn't have grown up. Almost 2 years of marriage doesn't make it easier to make decisions on money. If I had known that I would have to raise a child and take care of a dog, OH AND myself (please lets not forget to brush your hair and your teeth...) then I probably wouldn't have grown up. If I had known that I would have to figure out if the problem with the car was caused by a fuse or just a burnt out light- but oh wait it's a far worse problem than that! Then I probably wouldn't have grown up. If I had known that I would have to make arrangements for the dog, the car, the truck, the kid, MYSELF, the house, the money, oh and basically anything else that you could possibly think of- I PROBABLY wouldn't have grown up. This includes all of the following holidays to include Halloween, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, Easter, and any other fricken holiday that you could possibly throw in there. And making sure that you start traditions that you can keep up with in the following years because now you have a child and traditions are important for families... Yeah I probably wouldn't have grown up.
I really wouldn't mind banging my head against the wall right about now. Fort Minor's song "Where'd You Go" comes to mind when I'm thinking about all of these things. With good reason of course...
You could not imagine how hard it is to act like everything is ok when it, in deed, is not all ok. I love you and I miss you- today just sucks.
Oh and a few days ago I was looking at property in Kill Devil Hills and Hatteris. I found the perfect little house ever with a view of the beach. Ahhhhhh....
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A few things to think about.
My hands are numb. Along with my legs. Again. But I've been thinking about a few things and I wish to write about them.
1) Money will destroy everything. Dennis and I have had plenty of fights about money, who's right and who's wrong, how to spend it, how to save it, what needs to be paid asap and what doesn't need to be paid asap. I think that I am very good with money, thanks to my parents. Dennis on the other hand is like a 13 year old that just got his first $20- burns a hole in his pocket every time. I have come up with a plan to get us (really him...) out of debt by October. YES, by OCTOBER. First comes the tax return- we were waiting for Cam's social security card. This will pay of 3 rather large bills- motorcycle, jewelry, and a credit card (not large but still, what's left should go strictly to bills!). Then after that, $500 will be free to spend on bills because I refuse to use that money for anything else. Hell, it's not like we're spending it now, so if there's something that needs to be paid, why not just pay it!? Next we will pay another medium sized bill off completely in 2 months and start on another one. This will go on until October when we should have everything except for our furniture credit card (yes I said FURNITURE CREDIT CARD) and a bill that should have been taken care of while we were still living in the states. Umm did I mention how bad Dennis is with money? It has taken me almost 2 years to get him to actually go along with what I say and to buckle down. I think it was the threats that this could possibly be the end of our marriage though...
2) Divorce is becoming more and more common these days. This is depressing. It makes you stop to wonder if love can actually last. Looking at a few relationships that I either grew up around or I'm around constantly... 1a. my parents. 1b. a close friend who's marriage seems amazing, anyone would want to be like them. 1c. a friend who's marriage seems to be shattering as we speak. Also, my grandparents who split on my mom's side and my grandparents that were never married on my dad's side... Relationships are shitty. Or they can be. It has taken me a while to realize that my relationship with Dennis is NOTHING like my parents' or my grandparents' or my friends'. Obviously my parents have had a huge effect on me and my life and the way that I perceive things... But sitting back and saying "hey I'm not my mom or my dad and my relationship with my husband doesn't have to be the same." Divorce is terribly depressing... I've been wondering if maybe it's because of how sexual our world is today.
Now, I'm not saying that people "back in the day" didn't cheat on their spouse. But, what I am saying is I think that ou sexual world has put a different perspective on relationships.
Hmmm, any thoughts? I'm kind of scatter brained at the moment plus I'm still trying to gain control of my anxiety...
I made a wonderful dinner today. I'm trying to get out from under all the processed foods and start making more things from scratch. I'm also trying to set rules for the house. Which is another thing my husband and I argue about... But, I made salmon (a little butter and lemon pepper is all you need! I know, butter is fatty but I'm still trying!!), mashed potatoes (no... not from scratch, but I swear it's the last box in the cabinet! I'm trying to get rid of all the processed/boxed foods in my house! One step at a time...), and a nice salad :). It was pretty yummy. I'm wondering what I should make tomorrow... I don't know if anyone else watches Dr. Oz or not buuuut, he says that "you should only eat meat that walks on 4 feet 3 times a week." or something like that. So seafood it is!
Can you tell I'm trying to do this whole healthy thing? Plus I've been walking more. What with living in an apartment with a dog, you kinda have to! And I have friends that live on base who also have kids and no car- perfect! AND the weather is great! (or atleast it was today... and yesterday...)
Oh yeah, we're back to one car again. How shitty is that!? It seems that we can never catch a break. Plus the car that we are driving is a piece of shit as well. Two days ago I noticed a gas smell. Yes, the damn thing smells like gas! And then today while driving it something started dripping on my foot- ummm can you say anti-freeze!?! I'm waiting for the day that it just takes a crap all together. That will probably be the day that I have somewhere to be that's very important... But hell, it's a classic! 86 mercedes, could life get any better?... don't answer that...
1) Money will destroy everything. Dennis and I have had plenty of fights about money, who's right and who's wrong, how to spend it, how to save it, what needs to be paid asap and what doesn't need to be paid asap. I think that I am very good with money, thanks to my parents. Dennis on the other hand is like a 13 year old that just got his first $20- burns a hole in his pocket every time. I have come up with a plan to get us (really him...) out of debt by October. YES, by OCTOBER. First comes the tax return- we were waiting for Cam's social security card. This will pay of 3 rather large bills- motorcycle, jewelry, and a credit card (not large but still, what's left should go strictly to bills!). Then after that, $500 will be free to spend on bills because I refuse to use that money for anything else. Hell, it's not like we're spending it now, so if there's something that needs to be paid, why not just pay it!? Next we will pay another medium sized bill off completely in 2 months and start on another one. This will go on until October when we should have everything except for our furniture credit card (yes I said FURNITURE CREDIT CARD) and a bill that should have been taken care of while we were still living in the states. Umm did I mention how bad Dennis is with money? It has taken me almost 2 years to get him to actually go along with what I say and to buckle down. I think it was the threats that this could possibly be the end of our marriage though...
2) Divorce is becoming more and more common these days. This is depressing. It makes you stop to wonder if love can actually last. Looking at a few relationships that I either grew up around or I'm around constantly... 1a. my parents. 1b. a close friend who's marriage seems amazing, anyone would want to be like them. 1c. a friend who's marriage seems to be shattering as we speak. Also, my grandparents who split on my mom's side and my grandparents that were never married on my dad's side... Relationships are shitty. Or they can be. It has taken me a while to realize that my relationship with Dennis is NOTHING like my parents' or my grandparents' or my friends'. Obviously my parents have had a huge effect on me and my life and the way that I perceive things... But sitting back and saying "hey I'm not my mom or my dad and my relationship with my husband doesn't have to be the same." Divorce is terribly depressing... I've been wondering if maybe it's because of how sexual our world is today.
Now, I'm not saying that people "back in the day" didn't cheat on their spouse. But, what I am saying is I think that ou sexual world has put a different perspective on relationships.
Hmmm, any thoughts? I'm kind of scatter brained at the moment plus I'm still trying to gain control of my anxiety...
I made a wonderful dinner today. I'm trying to get out from under all the processed foods and start making more things from scratch. I'm also trying to set rules for the house. Which is another thing my husband and I argue about... But, I made salmon (a little butter and lemon pepper is all you need! I know, butter is fatty but I'm still trying!!), mashed potatoes (no... not from scratch, but I swear it's the last box in the cabinet! I'm trying to get rid of all the processed/boxed foods in my house! One step at a time...), and a nice salad :). It was pretty yummy. I'm wondering what I should make tomorrow... I don't know if anyone else watches Dr. Oz or not buuuut, he says that "you should only eat meat that walks on 4 feet 3 times a week." or something like that. So seafood it is!
Can you tell I'm trying to do this whole healthy thing? Plus I've been walking more. What with living in an apartment with a dog, you kinda have to! And I have friends that live on base who also have kids and no car- perfect! AND the weather is great! (or atleast it was today... and yesterday...)
Oh yeah, we're back to one car again. How shitty is that!? It seems that we can never catch a break. Plus the car that we are driving is a piece of shit as well. Two days ago I noticed a gas smell. Yes, the damn thing smells like gas! And then today while driving it something started dripping on my foot- ummm can you say anti-freeze!?! I'm waiting for the day that it just takes a crap all together. That will probably be the day that I have somewhere to be that's very important... But hell, it's a classic! 86 mercedes, could life get any better?... don't answer that...
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