I'm kicking myself.

These past few days have been really rough on me. Well, the past week really. I'm ate up with jealousy and I'm having a hard time sleeping and my heart feels heavy and I have no appetite. Saturday and Sunday were by far the worst days of this deployment. It's hard to be in an argument with a loved one when they are so far away. Especially when there is limited communication.

Well, I don't really have any sort of solution for anyone on what to do in these sort of situations. I really don't want to put my business out there so finding someone to talk to about it other than your other half is really hard. I've talked more about what's going on with three of my friends here and every single one of them has gone through the same things we're going through now. Sometimes you just need to talk.

I talked to Dennis about everything that was bothering me yesterday. Waiting for a phone call that you're not sure if you'll even receive sucks. You don't want to sit at home but you don't want to leave just in case they do call. And when they do call, what do you say?

I know marriage isn't a forever kind of thing. I know that things change. I also know that there are boundaries that should never ever be crossed and both parties need to know the extent of those boundaries. Marriage is as complicated as you make it. And choose your words wisely.

I almost wish that we could go back to the old days where people were matched to benefit the family. That would make things a million times easier. But now people want to have freedom of everything so they want to marry out of love and because, well damn it, because they want to!

Marriage makes you realize that you can't just run away when you want to. You have to face your problems when they arise.

What do you think about marriage now versus marriage, lets say, 50 years ago?


Come with me, let me walk you through the life I currently live in.
Not a thing is forgotten, not a thing is forgiven.
Nobody can hold their own underneath the weight but, nobody can take the blame of their own mistakes.
So what do you do when somebody lets you down?
And you want to say something but you can't because they're not around?
Inside you think they know the extent of the pain.
But they won't even admit that they were the one to blame.
Can somebody please just explain to me what happened to the way that we said we'd always be.
Because I don't know why I push through the pain that I got through. And I'm loosing hope.