You're a dandelion seed that flies through the air.

Today is a much better day than the last time I posted. I'm in week 3 of P90X and I'll tell you what- I'm starting to notice a difference. In my legs, my stomach, my arms. But especially my stomach. As I've already said, I'm not trying to loose weight, just tone. I'm already under my pre-prego weight. I thank nursing for that.

Speaking of nursing- we're almost completely weened! While I aboslutely LOVE nursing and suggest for every mother to try it because it's just that amazing- I'm kinda ready to be done. I love Camden and I love nursing it's just that I think we would love each other much more if we weren't doing it anymore. It also becomes pretty awkward when your child tries to assume position and lift your shirt... I have a very strict rule on parenting- when your child assumes position it's time to stop. That goes for nursing and potty training.

We have surpassed the 1 month mark and we have survived! I must admit that it is nice to watch whatever I want whenever I want to. Not having to share the bathroom is always a plus. Oh and sharing the bed is completely OUT the window, I'm a firm beleiver of sleeping in the middle of the bed, I don't even share with Roxy. Or Camden. I can do whatever I like whenever I like to. And I can eat whatever I want. And if that means I want to eat a whole bag of reeses in 2 days, well damn it, I'll do it! I'm trying to not think about how lonely it is to go to bed without saying "I love you, goodnight" to the person that I love with all my heart. I guess that's why I put off going to bed...

I still haven't got the car fixed. And I haven't enrolled in college yet. I'm a slacker. Tomorrow I'm treating myself to a haircut. Then Tuesday I have to take Roxy to a friend's house to see if she'll work well with her kids so that I can go home. I have found someone to take Roxy for the whole month I'll be gone even if that means that I need 2 people to do it. Yesssss! I guess Wednesday I'll have to do everything else that I've been putting off...

Oh another thing- I don't have to do everything in one day. I can space out 5 tasks in 5 days. And I love it.

We're getting ready for Camden's big first birthday. We have less than 2 weeks to go. I can't tell you how excited and nervous I am! She is such a smart child. She calls me momma, sees pictures of Dennis and says dada. She says dog. And I swear the other day she said "Hi Laura" to my close friend. She's running and playing and interacting and it's great. Oh and we love to shop. I think she loves it because everyone pays attention to her.

And something that I find very special is lunch after nap time. Today we ate lunch together at the table. I ate my sandwich and cheetos and drank my coke (I know... soooo healthy... whatever!) and she sat next to me eating chicken sticks and bananas and drinking her juice. We kept giggling at each other. She would point at something and say "that" and I would tell her what "that" was. Trees, daddy, Roxy, mommy, table, sandwich, couch, etc. Lunch time is my favorite time. Besides just after bathtime when we chase each other around the house. Or when she brings me a book and we read "Goodnight Moon." Did I mention how much I love being a mom?

For those of you that do wonder- Dennis is doing fine. He says it's hot there. He works and sleeps and that's basically it. I don't get to talk to him much anymore because of his job and the nature of it. The more he has to work the more worried I become. Not exactly for HIM but for the other guys that are there. You see, you have to have someone to bring our boys home... He's one of those guys. And my heart absolutely swells when I hear stories. Or I see someone at the hospital that I've seen in their pictures over there. I just want to walk up to them and give them a big hug. Because I know the last person they saw over there was probably Dennis. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it... I know this might not make sense to many people... I guess I just need to get it out.

It's cold and nasty in Germany. Not much fun for any of us really. Poor Roxy is tired of being kept cooped up in the house. But I honestly don't know what else to do for her because it's too cold and wet to take her out back and throw the ball. I won't be surprised if it snows soon. Yuck.

I'll be going home for the holidays. Or that's what it looks like right now. I'm excited.

More to come at a later time...

A few things to think about.

My hands are numb. Along with my legs. Again. But I've been thinking about a few things and I wish to write about them.

1) Money will destroy everything. Dennis and I have had plenty of fights about money, who's right and who's wrong, how to spend it, how to save it, what needs to be paid asap and what doesn't need to be paid asap. I think that I am very good with money, thanks to my parents. Dennis on the other hand is like a 13 year old that just got his first $20- burns a hole in his pocket every time. I have come up with a plan to get us (really him...) out of debt by October. YES, by OCTOBER. First comes the tax return- we were waiting for Cam's social security card. This will pay of 3 rather large bills- motorcycle, jewelry, and a credit card (not large but still, what's left should go strictly to bills!). Then after that, $500 will be free to spend on bills because I refuse to use that money for anything else. Hell, it's not like we're spending it now, so if there's something that needs to be paid, why not just pay it!? Next we will pay another medium sized bill off completely in 2 months and start on another one. This will go on until October when we should have everything except for our furniture credit card (yes I said FURNITURE CREDIT CARD) and a bill that should have been taken care of while we were still living in the states. Umm did I mention how bad Dennis is with money? It has taken me almost 2 years to get him to actually go along with what I say and to buckle down. I think it was the threats that this could possibly be the end of our marriage though...

2) Divorce is becoming more and more common these days. This is depressing. It makes you stop to wonder if love can actually last. Looking at a few relationships that I either grew up around or I'm around constantly... 1a. my parents. 1b. a close friend who's marriage seems amazing, anyone would want to be like them. 1c. a friend who's marriage seems to be shattering as we speak. Also, my grandparents who split on my mom's side and my grandparents that were never married on my dad's side... Relationships are shitty. Or they can be. It has taken me a while to realize that my relationship with Dennis is NOTHING like my parents' or my grandparents' or my friends'. Obviously my parents have had a huge effect on me and my life and the way that I perceive things... But sitting back and saying "hey I'm not my mom or my dad and my relationship with my husband doesn't have to be the same." Divorce is terribly depressing... I've been wondering if maybe it's because of how sexual our world is today.

Now, I'm not saying that people "back in the day" didn't cheat on their spouse. But, what I am saying is I think that ou sexual world has put a different perspective on relationships.

Hmmm, any thoughts? I'm kind of scatter brained at the moment plus I'm still trying to gain control of my anxiety...

I made a wonderful dinner today. I'm trying to get out from under all the processed foods and start making more things from scratch. I'm also trying to set rules for the house. Which is another thing my husband and I argue about... But, I made salmon (a little butter and lemon pepper is all you need! I know, butter is fatty but I'm still trying!!), mashed potatoes (no... not from scratch, but I swear it's the last box in the cabinet! I'm trying to get rid of all the processed/boxed foods in my house! One step at a time...), and a nice salad :). It was pretty yummy. I'm wondering what I should make tomorrow... I don't know if anyone else watches Dr. Oz or not buuuut, he says that "you should only eat meat that walks on 4 feet 3 times a week." or something like that. So seafood it is!

Can you tell I'm trying to do this whole healthy thing? Plus I've been walking more. What with living in an apartment with a dog, you kinda have to! And I have friends that live on base who also have kids and no car- perfect! AND the weather is great! (or atleast it was today... and yesterday...)

Oh yeah, we're back to one car again. How shitty is that!? It seems that we can never catch a break. Plus the car that we are driving is a piece of shit as well. Two days ago I noticed a gas smell. Yes, the damn thing smells like gas! And then today while driving it something started dripping on my foot- ummm can you say anti-freeze!?! I'm waiting for the day that it just takes a crap all together. That will probably be the day that I have somewhere to be that's very important... But hell, it's a classic! 86 mercedes, could life get any better?... don't answer that...